Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells”. Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol’s".

Mother Dictionary!

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Most Embarrassing Moments!

The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest:

 1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

 2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

 3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'"

 4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.''

Ed Zachary disease!

After no dates or sex for five years a woman goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.

He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"

She does.

"Ok craw reery reery fast back."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Yourr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sore, dat why you get no man"

She says "god, what the hell is Ed Zachary disease?"

Doc replies "It's when your face looks Ed Zachery like your ass."

Women say, "All men want is sex." That's not true, ladies. We also want blow jobs and sandwiches.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

A man caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

In anger, he took his gun shot his friend dead.

His wife screamed "If you continue like this, you will lose all your friends.”

Definitions of Designations:-

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

Sex is like a pack of chips, once you start you can’t stop.

Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it’s gone forever.

Exam paper is like a dick, when it gets hard people get fucked.

Fate is like getting raped, if you can’t fight, learn to enjoy it.

Work is like a group sex, 10 people are behind your ass to take your place.

Education is like hiring a prostitute; it needs both your money and your hard work.

Success is like masturbating, only your own hand can let you achieve it.

Can he rape with this tiny tot?

An 8 year old boy is accused of rape.

In court his lady lawyer holds his tiny tot out as evidence saying, "Your honour see this, can he rape with this tiny tot?

The boy whispers, "Don't shake it please, we'll lose the case.”

"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The "y" becomes silent!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent like himself.

Before you can truly love someone else, first you have to love yourself. Then wash your hands.

Life's too short!

Life's too short to get out of the shower and pee in the toilet.

Santa went to US:

Call girl - wanna blowjob?

Santa - No.

Call girl - handjob?

Santa - No.

Santa calls back home - US is fine, no recession, got 2 job offers in 5 minutes.

A kid wrote to Santa, "Please send me a brother."

Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother."

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah so, you doing velly well, only two left!

Noah’s ark!

You know how you watch the news and you see a storm headed for an area that you're not even near and you feel sorry for them but, it doesn't ruin your day? That’s what them fuckers up in the space centre are doing as Dec 21st approaches. How do we know that Noah’s ark wasn't a rocket ship!...damnit!

Life is like a dick, sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

My sister Carla was born Carl!

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. You’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. …………………….. Your Ex-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

All day long Bob had been feeling guilty. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't forget. The guilt and sense of betrayal overwhelmed him. Every once in a while though he could hear a quiet inner voice reassuring him, "Bob, don't worry about it. You are not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you certainly won't be the last." She had such nice hair and she was very good looking.” Then, invariably though, another voice would bring him back to reality, "Bob, you are a `veterinarian."

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond; as he hadn't been there for a while, and have a look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Fresh from my shower!

I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked. "Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said. "Yes, I did," he told her. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked. "Oh... she got fired too."

"I'm a taxidermist."

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are you?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bartender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, who are keenly watching the newcomer, “It’s okay, boys! He's one of us!"

Badmouthology!

A tourist asked a boat guy in Zanzibar, "Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology or Criminology?" The boat guy said, "No. I don't know any of these." The tourist then said, "What the hell do you know on the face of this Earth? You will die in illiteracy!" The boat guy said nothing. After a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking. The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodiology?" The tourist said, "No!" The boat guy replied, "Well, today you will Drownology and Crocodiology will eat your Assology. I will not Helpology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology."

"I'm a rectum stretcher"!

While she was driving fast to office, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? " he asked. "They give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face – Priceless!

Putin called Obama to congratulate him on winning the second term and requested help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!" "Mr Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10” long and 3” in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Obama hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10” long and 3” in diameter." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in USA, Size: Small' on each one.

Teacher: Shanzae, Now tell me frankly, do you pray before eating your dinner? Shanzae: No Sir, I dont have to. My mother is a good cook.

Ayesha: Daddy, do you remember telling me that if a man gets on top of me, he disgraces my family? Father: Yeah, good girl, you remember things... That's nice. Ayesha: Last night when I went to Abdul's house. He tried getting on top of me, but I refused. Father: That's my girl. I know you will never disappoint me. Ayesha: Instead I got on top of him and disgraced his family 3 times.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

He's a heck of a bull, But....

Farmer had a champion bull, Bred 400 times a year. Farmer's wife said, "400 times. Isn't that wonderful dear. Maybe you otta watch 'em Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull, But it wasn't all with same cow."

English Weather

In deference to The Archbihop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK will no longer be referred to as ''English Weather”. Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite'

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals..., A Lion , A Chimp , Giraffe , ...AND... A Squirrel They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.: If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're dense. Giraffe = you're a complete moron. Squirrel = you're hopeless. A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should takesome time off and relax Have two glasses of wine. A full box of Chocolates. And a nice lunch. Now hurry up and forward it to someone else. They may need those glasses of wine.

We know what you are doing!

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? he suggests. Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharpeyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, so she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio . To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "This time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States.” After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked," So how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed to go over there?"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper!"

What the hell was that?

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, '2- 2, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Sunufapitch!

A young priest is walking along a pier. He strikes up a conversation with a local fisherman. "Have you ever been deep sea fishing, father?", asks the fisherman. "No, son. I am a fisher of men.", he replied. The fisherman invites him to tag along and the priest decides to do so. The priest is set up with a rod, reel and bait. He casts out and soon enough a huge fish is on the line. The young priest reels it in, and the fisherman exclaims, "That is one huge son of a bitch!" "My son! Please, watch your language!" Thinking fast the fisherman replied, "You misunderstand father. This fish is called a 'sunufapitch'. I wasn't being vulgar." The priest apologized for chastising the man, and when the boat returned to shore he brought his fish to the Cardinal. "Cardinal, look at this big sunufapitch!", the priest proudly displayed his catch. "Father! I'm suprised at you!" "No, Cardinal, that is what this fish is called. It's a sunufapitch." "I should have known better, father. I will clean your sunufapitch and prepare it for dinner with the Pope tonight." The Cardinal took the fish to the Mother Superior to be cooked. "Mother Superior, I have brought this big sunufapitch to be prepared for the Popes dinner.", he said. "Holy Mary, mother of god!", mother superior breathlessly whispered as she nearly fainted. "You misunderstand, sister, that is the name the lord has given this beast. It is a sunufapitch." The nun gathered herself together and apologized. She went about preparing the Popes dinner. That night at dinner, as the main course was brought out, the young priest looked at the Pope and said, "As the lord Jesus was a fisherman, I have caught you this huge sunufapitch." The Cardinal, not to be outdone stood up and said, "As the lord Jesus clenses us of our sins, I cleaned this sunufapitch for you." The Mother Superior, feeling she needed to be part of this said, "As the Holy Spirit burns away our worldly thoughts, I have cooked this sunufapitch for you." The pope paused for a moment. He flipped the huge hat off his head and threw his feet up on the table. "I knew you mother fuckers were cool."

What is legal but not logical?

A law student who failed exams asked his professor: Sir, do you know everything about law? Professor: Yes. Student: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you can't, you have to give me 'A". Professor agreed. The student asked: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical? The professor thought about it for hours, pondered and finally gave up as he really did not know. He gave the boy his 'A'. The following day, professor asked same Question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands. He asked one student the same question. He answered: Sir, you're 65, married to 28 year old; this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed his exam and yet you have given him an 'A'. It's neither logical nor legal! The professor collapsed!

I've got hot nuts on a 9-inch pecker!

Young lady walks into a record shop (during the70's) and asks the guy behind the counter; "Have you got 'Hot Lips' on 12-inch Decca?" Guy says "No, but I've got hot nuts on a 9-inch pecker" Girl says "Err, I don't think that's a record." Guy says "Probably not, but it's definitely above average"

Consider it done!

Four former presidents of the US were walking along the Yellow Brick Road, when suddenly they came in front of the Wizard. The Wizard said, "each of you, come before me and ask what your heart desires. I will grant you each one wish." So up steps Jimmy Carter: "Uh, people say I need some courage, Mr Wizard..." and so the Wizard claps his hands and replies, "It is done!" Next up is Ronald Reagan. "Mr Wizard, I really need a brain!" "I'm told it's true", says the Wizard, "consider it done!" George Bush Snr. presents himself before the Great Wizard; "My people say I need a heart, Wizard..." and quick as a flash, the Wizard snaps his fingers and proclaims the deed, "done!" The Wizard looks around, and Bill Clinton is just standing there, peering over the landscape, hands in pockets. The Wizard starts to become irritated, finally asking, "Yes Bill, what do you want for your wish?" "Is Dorothy around...?"

Where are all the Australians?

A Somalian arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afgani!' The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!' The person says, 'I not Australian, I Iraqi!' The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia! 'That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan, I am not from Australia!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?' She says, 'No, I am from India!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?' The Indian lady checks her watch and says .. . 'Probably at work'.

Don't do it!

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?" The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him quickly with that blanket before he catches cold!!"

*A father passing* by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:- *Dear Dad*, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (*anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?* ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! *Don't worry Dad*, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. *Your loving daughter*, Rosie. At the bottom of the page were the letters " *PTO*". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read: PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. *I love you*! Your loving daughter, Rosie

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." --Elmo Phillips

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie, or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? . . . . . . . I'm starving."

Bigger issues!

Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?" I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems." He asked, "Can you explain?" I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples" I said," Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc etc.... are decided by my wife. I just agree to it" He asked, "Then what is your role?" I said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran , whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe , whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc and Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER, NEVER, NEVER interferes in Any of these".

Family disgrace!

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Brains for two!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need. P.G. Wodehouse

My hot neighbour!

I have got this really hot neighbor. She's single...She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door ... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am in a really naughty mood! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet. ...... Ate the cookies........ Drank the milk..... Sh*t on the paper...... Screwed the other three cats........ Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... Put in for Workers Compensation.................. and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave... AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

...but you need to press 0...

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Townsville and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call. "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now... Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?" He says, "Oh my God... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 0 to dial a Number outside the Hotel."

Dear Facebook, Just Wait, One Day They All Will Leave You Too! Sincerely, Orkut Dear Optimist, That's Not A Light At The End Of The Tunnel, But A Train! Sincerely, Pessimist Dear Icebergs, Sorry To Hear About Global Warming. Sincerely, Titanic Dear Yahoo, I've Never Heard Anyone Say, "I Don't Know, Let's Yahoo It!" Sincerely, Google

Ole Fills In

A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get Off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns The following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of Three patients. 'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' Asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, Taking off everything including Her panties and lies Down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't Seen a man in over two years!!' 'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes!! You thought I was sending a dirty joke! NOT ME! Remember - Keep Smiling It makes people wonder what you're up to!!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 03. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?" 05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 07. Things you buy now won't wear out. 08. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 09. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. 20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.. Forward this to every one you can remember right now! And don't forget.. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The older we get.... ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...) TWO I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!) FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!! FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. Brunette, by the way!! SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!' Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

"Eulogy"

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere! "It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference. "A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless. "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense. "Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph. "These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "In my experience" = once. "In case after case" = twice. "In a series of cases" = thrice. "It is believed that" = I think. "It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too. "Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong. "According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it. "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess. "A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop. "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it. "After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either. "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

7 kinds of sex!

Results of a recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And, last, but not least: The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Is he nuts?

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there". Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

I never take risk while drinking

I never take risk while drinking When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen I stealthily enter the house Take out the bottle from my black cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame But still no one is aware of it Becoz I never take a risk I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink Quickly enjoy one peg Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile I peep into the kitchen Wife is cutting potatoes No one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle I take out the glass from the old rack above sink Quickly enjoy one peg Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh... I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard But the cupboard's place has automatically changed I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard Wife is keeping the sink on the stove But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...! Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly... I take out the bottle from the potatoes Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg Wash the sink and keep it over the rack Wife is giving a smile Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!! Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face... I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack Stove is also on the rack There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink But none of the horses are aware of what I did Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk chopra is still cooking And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing Becoz I never take........what???

An innocent history of India!

A brief History Of India - as written by Class- XI Student A BRIEF HISTORY OF INDIA... as written by a Class - X schoolboy, with all the original spellings. This guy is a genius!!! The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them. Ancient India was full of myths, which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors. In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan. In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis. The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they are calling it Door Darshan. After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side. Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles. In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark . At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag. Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. It can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat. Scams are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot. Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population."

Monkey business!

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Tying their belts" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Checking the system" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Looking for my people" Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Serving the travelers" Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Eating & throwing" Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Make up" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Nothing" Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "All were sleeping" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the air hostess" Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! ! No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

"Prediction"



A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a
dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal
ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune
teller's lined face, then at the single flickering
candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune-
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her
question:

"Will I be found guilty?"

How do you get into those pants?

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don'tlike the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said,
"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week"
"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my Intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

Has anybody seen MY Cock?

The Mullah in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the mosque.
One friday morning, before Juma prayers,he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned the people in the village.

After the prayers , he asked ,'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,'he said,'that wasn't what I meant.Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,'he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,'he said,'that wasn't what I meant.Has anybody seen MY
Cock?'
Sixteen boys, two young madrassa boys and the guard of the mosque stood up.

The Mullah fainted.

The urge!

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said,
'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant,
'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir.
They usually just ride the camel into town.
That's where the girls are."

May I see the baby now?

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!!!'

Wedding anniversary date!


"Door-to-door Salesmen"



In Las Vegas, Nevada, salesmen Arnold and Lee were selling their vacuum cleaners and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms, that she did not want to hear their presentation and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. This time she really put her back into it and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young salesmen were sticking their foot in the door she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson when Arnold said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."


"Olympic Troubles"

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

You lying bastard!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her." The nun had to leave the room.




Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
 
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
 
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
 
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
 
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

Fighting Nuns




One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Tricking the Nun



A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Banking Logic




Are we too trusting with our bankers as many of whom are crooks? That is a good question we should all be asking the bankers...
 
Here's one about the old native American who went to a bank for a loan for $500...
 
 

The bank's chief cashier pulled out the loan application, "What are  you going to do with the loan money?"
 
"Make jewellery and take it to city and sell it," was the response.
 
"What have you got for collateral?"
 
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
 
Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."
 
"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."
However, finally the banker decided to sanction the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out  several rolls of $ 100 bills, "Here to pay back," he said. He then handed the banker only the money to pay his loan off.
 
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
 
"Keep in my teepee."
 
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the cashier asked.

"Don't know deposit."
 
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk,
"What you got for collateral?"

Dying of thirst!

David and Willson were lost in desert...they were dying of thirst when they came upon an oasis, and there was a Mosque.

David to Willson:
"Look there is a mosque, lets pretend we are muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or water...I am going to call myself 'Ahmad". Willson refused to change his name and said:
"my name is Willson and i will never pretend to be other than but what I am!"
...
The Imam of mosque recieved both well and asked their names...

David:
am Ahmad

Willson:
am Willson

Imam turned to his helpers and said:
"bring some food for Willson only"

And then Imam turned towards David and said:
"Ramdan Mubarak Brother Ahmad!"