A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
When the math professor’s wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:
My dearest wife,
We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I’m in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I’ll be home before midnight.
Your husband, who will never stop loving you.
When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:
My beloved husband,
You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Your loving wife.
P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don’t stay up and wait for me.
A traveling salesman is out in the country selling his wares. He is in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down, he leaves the car and starts walking and reaches a small farm house. He knocks and a middle aged man opens the door.
The salesman asks him for a place to sleep in the night. The farmer tells that he has only one room with a bed and on that he and his wife (who turns out be gorgeous) sleep. So the salesman sleeps on the bed with the farmer and his lovely wife.
In the middle of the night the farmer's wife gets horny and asks the salesman to come over to her side and fuck her! The salesman points towards the snoring farmer and whispers, ''He'll wake up!''
The farmer's wife replies, ''He's a sound sleeper. If you don't trust me pull a hair out of his ass and you will see that he won't wake up!''
The salesman tries and the farmer does not wake up. The salesman and the farmer's wife get into a fucking session. They repeat the act several more times that night and the salesman plucks a hair out of the farmer's ass every time he goes to fuck the wife.
Finally the farmer wakes up and says, ''Hey, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but can you stop using my ass as a scoreboard!?!''
A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God?" says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put some eye drops in her eyes!"
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty
one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"
