12 funny quotes

“There’s a reason they call it space. If there was something there, they’d call it stuff." - Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program

“My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese ... as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.” - Jimmy Carr

“I’m so paranoid about my kids being grabbed by someone that I only let my daughter hang out with better-looking kids.” - Kenny Robinson

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” - Zach Galifianakis

“This is the first year Canada Customs gets guns. Next year they get bullets.” - Jazz Mann

“I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote ‘Free Tibet’.” - Mike DiStefano

“Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?” - Jimmy Carr

“My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it’s creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before.” - Tom Papa

“There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you’re shooting at Jack Bauer or looking for White Castle.” - Mark Saldana

“What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No — that’s a lie promoted by the bears.” - Eugene Mirman

“Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love. That’s why I no longer eat raisins.” - Zach Galifianakis

“I’m living with a crazy midget. Crazy people talk to themselves, laugh at their own jokes and s--t themselves. That’s my son.” - Jo Koy

Mexican firing range

Laughing baby

A dead terrorist

Psychiatrist to the rescue

A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.

"Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner."

The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.

Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side.

"How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?"

The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"

David Blaine The time traveler

Did he survive?

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

Smoking gun

199 ways to get rid of your roommate

1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a sub genius.

7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate’s personal objects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man, “Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

20. Move your mouth when you’re silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.

23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Cover up your mouth before talking to anyone.

26. Write your roommate’s name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn’t write it.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Apologize to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).

36. Leave a marble in your roommate’s bed every day.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horse radish in your roommate’s shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. While you’re roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s Email.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

55. Tell your roommate that it’s your birthday–every day.

56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

57. Take your roommate’s pillow and put a water balloon inside of it.

58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.

69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.

70. Let mice loose in his/her room.

71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.

72. Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.

73. Skip to the bathroom.

74. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.

76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

77. Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

79. Burn incense.

80. Eat moths.

81. Collect Chia-Pets.

82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

83. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

84. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate’s walls.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

86. Don’t ever flush the toilet.

87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”

88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

90. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.”

91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares.

92. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you’re going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Where am I?!” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don’t know what he/she is talking about.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”

96. Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”

101. Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? He/she won’t be here much longer.”

102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously “recover.” Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh, are you dying?”

105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”

106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here, somewhere.”

107. Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

110. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.

111. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.

112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”

113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that “It’s a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”

116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

117. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.

118. Call your roommate “Clyde” by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him “Clyde” all the time. If your roommate protests, say, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that anymore, Murray.”

119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”

123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”

124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, “What do you think you are? A king?”

125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”

126. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”

127. Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).

132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, “Don’t do that.”

136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”

138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”

139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and complaining.

140. Put up flyer's around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Stupid road runner….”

145. Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.”

146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.

147. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you’d like to have a conversation.

148. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn’t swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,” while eying your roommate suspiciously.

150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you’re not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

151. Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your…Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

153. Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.

154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

155. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, “Stupid horseshoe….”

156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.

157. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.

161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”

163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there’s going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

165. Make pancakes every morning, but don’t eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your “pancake farm” isn’t evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they’re for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman’s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.

169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, “Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.

170. Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.

171. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

174. Constantly slip and fall–on your carpet.

175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.

176. Invite the school President to sleepover.

177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.

178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.

179. Walk into walls.

180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”

181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.

182. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, “I’m watching you.”

183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned into Gumby.

184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.

185. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.

186. Wear a silly hat.

187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.

188. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.

189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you?e afraid of aliens.

190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.

191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.

192. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.

193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.

194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.

195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.

196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.

197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don’t know what he’s talking about.

198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.

199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.

SMS report

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.

Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.

The report said, "DELIVERED".

Practice makes a man perfect.....But nobody's perfect..... .so why practice?

Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

Save water. Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

Advice from a guru

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

You had a bad day

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger’s neck and acts as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, out side the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what house cats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike house cats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one fore paw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from house cats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

2 funny puns

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because “Da oily boid gets da woim.”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.

In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us.

You are master in your own house — the doghouse!

When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral, but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.

Some day you will find yourself — and wish that you hadn’t.

People clap when they see you — their hands over their eyes or ears.

Whatever is eating you — must be suffering horribly.

Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified.

You are not as bad as people say — you are worse!

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Whom am I calling “stupid”? I don’t know. What’s your name?

Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.