A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.
He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest.
As luck would have it, there was a bar between his apartment building and the clock repair shop. He tried to time his rest stops to where he didn't block the entrance to any shop, but it was his bad fortune to be lugging the heavy clock past the bar when the bartender threw a drunk through the door and right into him. The old man was knocked to the ground, as was his clock, and ended up in a pile with the drunk who'd just been tossed from the bar . . . and the pieces of his clock. In his dispair, the old man took off a shoe and started beating the drunk in the head with it, saying over and over, "You damed old drunk, look what you've done. You're ruined my priceless clock."
The drunk, trying to fend off the old man's shoe attack, finally mumbled the words, "Well, shit! Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"
"I know, said the old man, but just let me tell you about my weekend!"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
Old Man John sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He’s wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard.
The bartender sets John’s drink down and asks, “Going to a party, John?”
“Yeah,” John answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” argues the barkeep.
“That’s right… My last four scores were seven years ago!”
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,”the old man says. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck they’re getting a divorce, she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the World comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”
An old man was driving on the highway when his mobile phone rang.
It was his wife.
“Peter,” she cried, “I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the Highway 55. Do be careful!”
“Hell!” Peter exclaimed. “It’s not just one car but hundreds of them.”
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God!
“You even sent me a Professional!”
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask. "
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #6 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name. Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Individual: How do you spell that?
Sighting #8: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side open."
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", highballs"and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
"MOUNT & DO."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here. The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my effing cupboard now"!!
A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”
The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.
“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.
Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.
The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?"
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.
The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
