A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"
One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
Drinks on the house are illegal.
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)
Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.
Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
You can get out of paying for a dependent’s medical care by praying for him/her.
Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.
“Spiteful Gossip” and “talking behind a person’s back” are illegal.
You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.
Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)
Auburn
It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one’s bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.
Beech Grove
It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
Elkhart
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid’s ears.
Evansville
While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
Fort Wayne
You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record “It`s In the Book”.
Gary
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
South Bend
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Terre Haute
No one may spit on the sidewalk.
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
As recently reported in the New Zealand Herald and other papers, the Attenborough's long-beaked echidna - a primitive mammal and one of the few that lays eggs - is not extinct as many had feared.
But scientists were not all that delighted by the report from the villager in Papua New Guinea that saw the extremely rare echidna:
"It was delicious," he said.
A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round. Just as they got down to business, the door bell went. The woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."
The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally starkers, so hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.
After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.
"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
Her father said: "You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number", replied the girl.
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing and his approach speed was a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
The boss was sympathetic when his secretary said she needed some time off because her husband died. Several weeks later she approached him again, requesting more time off.
When he asked why, she said she was getting married. In spite of himself, he said "But your husband's only been dead about a month."
She smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know... but with the cost of food and rent these days, I can't afford to hold a grudge for very long."
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.
Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.
Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.
Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke.
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
“If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep.”
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep…
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills…
- Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
- Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
- If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
- I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
- Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
- I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
- Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
- After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
- I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
- I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
- "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a “civil” war?
How is it possible to run out of space?
How long is the long arm of the law?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” — Henny Youngman
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together that you wouldn’t have had in the first place if you’d stayed single.
An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch. The fisherman replied “only a short time.” The banker asked why not stay out and catch more. The fisherman replied,
“I’ve enough fish to feed my family.”
The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest of his time, he replied, “I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, I have a full and busy life.”
The banker was not impressed. “I have a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own
cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “How long will this take?”
The banker said, “Ten to 20 years.”
“But what then?”
“Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends,” said the banker smiling.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.
He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
