Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby’s mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Bobby knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby’s mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
1) If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2) Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3) The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4) Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5) A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6) If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.
7) Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
8) A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9) Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10) Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
11) Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
12) Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
13) There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14) Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets.
15) Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16) There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..
17) Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
Labels: brain joke
Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
Labels: jokes about change
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.''
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
Labels: paddy jokes
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''
Labels: white jokes
Seamus was walking along the coast of Galway early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"Mornin' boyo," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."
"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "Can I have a pint of Guinness?"
"Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in Seamus's hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."
"Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm an Irish genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"
"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."
"Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."
"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.
"Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."
"Is that so," said Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.
"Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"
"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"
Labels: genie jokes
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty
one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.
As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows;
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving bastards deducted $95.
Labels: money jokes
A passenger couldn't find his luggage at the airport baggage area, so he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and he was in good hands.
"Now," she asked him, has your plane arrived yet?"
Some tips on love from children, ages 5-10...
What is the proper age to get married?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
What do most people do on a date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
When is it okay to kiss someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
Concerning why love happens between two particular people:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
On what falling in love is like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
On the role of good looks in love:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
Concerning why lovers often hold hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
Confidential opinions about love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
What most people are thinking when they say, "I love you":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
How to make love endure:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"
Labels: old jokes
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
Labels: engineer jokes
Three men are in a car which is about to crash. They all decided to throw out one valuable item.
The first person throws out a rock. The second throws out a pen. The third throws out a grenade.
Their car crashes and they survive the crash. Then, they all start walking back to get their valuable items.
The first man sees a little girl crying and asks her, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "Someone threw a rock at me!"
The second guy sees a little boy crying and asks him, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "Someone threw a pen at me and poked me in the eye!"
The third guy sees a fat kid laughing really hard and so he asks him, "Hey kid, why are you laughing so hard?" The fat kid replies, "I farted and my house blew up."
Labels: fat kid jokes
1. Confucius says, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
2. Confucius says, man who kiss girl's bosom, get busted in mouth.
3. Confucius says, oral sex makes one's day. Anal sex makes one's hole weak.
4. Confucius says, sex is like bridge game. Don't need partner if you have good hand.
Labels: confucius jokes
Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.
Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.
The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?"
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
Labels: old jokes
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Labels: bad jokes
That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Labels: ethnic jokes
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Labels: religious jokes