A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Showing posts with label black jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label black jokes. Show all posts
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that, for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers, Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 10 seconds before a crash.
They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!” Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different - where over 89 percent of final words were: “Hey ya’ll, hold my beer and watch this!”
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
“If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep.”
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep…
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills…
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.
He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.
I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn’t put it down.
Q: What’s the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.
Q: What’s black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It’s good for hot dogs.)
Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.
Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.
Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.
Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.
A Scoutmaster was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes
Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"
Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation
Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage
Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache
Q. Why are most brunettes flat chested?
A. It makes it easier to read their T-shirt
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said…”let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.”
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, ‘honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, “Whatever the cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. “Dere’s no charge,” he says. “No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” Bubba says, “it didn’t cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”
“So, I just switched the heads”.
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
When our forefathers wanted a name for our new country, it came down to a large congregation on Parliament Hill. The speaker for the house stood up on a stage with the letters of the alphabet strewn into a large black top-hat.
"Our new country will be named for whatever letters I bring out of this hat", he intoned.
He reached into the hat & called out, " C, eh?, N, eh?, D, eh?"
One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man calmly replied "Join the queue."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew, they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
“No worries,” Jonah told them, “I’ll join you later and tell you what happened.”
After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score – 95-3.
“What?!”, they said, “How did you let them get three points?”
Jonah replied apologetically: “I was sent off with 20 minutes to go.”
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture, such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A Houston weatherman says:
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!? Bitch be a category fo'!? So grab yo' chirren, yo'Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ”
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?!!!"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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