Doing it for free

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I have heard that prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see you live on £800 a year"

A sheepish husband

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find that, I was talking to the sheep."

You are next fatty

A man comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says "You are next, fatty".

The mule buyers

Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house.

He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered.

The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."

"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "OK, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Th...
Q: Wanna ride bikes?!!!

Buried upside down

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said…”let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.”

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse

Farting on jet fuel

One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!"
"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.
"Really?"
"That's what I heard. Do you wanna try it?"
"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"

So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said.

About that time Jim's telephone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"
"Me too, but I have one question for you."
"Sure, what is it"
"Have you farted yet?"
"Ummmmm No. Why?"
"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"

Trying to disprove the saying "you can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool!" She exclaimed. "I knew i should have put the money in the basement."

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, ‘honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.’

Now we have a $500,000.00 Home, a $45,000.00 Car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschoolers best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Six pieces or four

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign “

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

* Did you fart? Cuz baby you blew me away.

* Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

* My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.

* Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.

* Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

* You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

* I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I can make yer “bed-rock.”

* If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

* I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta that cheap motel room over yonder.

* If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.

What's the difference between an Englishman, an American and a Czech getting off of a tram?

The Englishman gets up, looks around and gets off the tram.

The American gets up, looks around to see if he's left anything behind and then gets off the tram.

The Czech gets up, looks around to see if anyone else has left anything behind and then gets off the tram.

Five pounds of kilos

Mrs Murphy told her little boy to go to the shop and buy five pounds of potatoes.

"But buy the small ones" she told him in a stern voice. "The big ones are too heavy"

He arrived at the shop and asked for five pounds of potatoes. The greengrocer shook his head gravely.

"My boy, 'tis kilos these days" said the greengrocer.

"OK" said the boy. "I'll have five pounds of kilos - but only the small ones."

Divorce threat

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,”the old man says. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like Heck they’re getting a divorce, she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

A Golfer's wishes

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my cock a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee, his penis was showing below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole, it was dragging along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

When he finally got back to the clubhouse the pro was there to meet him -- he had obviously seen this before.

"How do I fix it?!" the golfer asked.

"According to legend," the pro told him, "you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again."

So after purchasing five buckets of balls, the bowlegged golfer made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole in one.

He ran down to the hold and again the leprechaun jumped out to offer him any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make my legs a bit longer?"

Hanged for drying

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

“The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.” “How soon can I go home?”

Johnny's father

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He's an assistant coach for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

Colorful Johnny

Little Johnny was in kindergarten class one day when the teacher was going over the alphebet. Now little Johnny had a reputation as being very "colorful" with his teacher. So when she asked the class if anyone could think of a word starting with the letter "A" and Johnny raised his hand.....she did not want to call on him. "Jenny? what word starts with "A"? "Apple", replied Jenny. "What word can you think of that starts with the letter B boys and girls?" Again Johnny's hand shot up while being punctuated with oooh oooh oooh's. She was certainly not going to call on Johnny for fear of yet another bad word. "Bobby, what word starts with B? "Baseball", replied Bobby.

As she went through letter by letter Johnny became more visibly distraught. When the teacher asked for what word starts with the letter "R", Johnny raised his hand again. The teacher thought and thought but could not think of a potentially bad word that starts with R so she said, "Well Johnny, what word starts with R?" "Rat", replied Johnny, "A great big f*#$ing Rat"

Shower in the car

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "No! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

Paddy's promise

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Alligator hunter

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

A hairy scoreboard

A traveling salesman is out in the country selling his wares. He is in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down, he leaves the car and starts walking and reaches a small farm house. He knocks and a middle aged man opens the door.
The salesman asks him for a place to sleep in the night. The farmer tells that he has only one room with a bed and on that he and his wife (who turns out be gorgeous) sleep. So the salesman sleeps on the bed with the farmer and his lovely wife.

In the middle of the night the farmer's wife gets horny and asks the salesman to come over to her side and fuck her! The salesman points towards the snoring farmer and whispers, ''He'll wake up!''

The farmer's wife replies, ''He's a sound sleeper. If you don't trust me pull a hair out of his ass and you will see that he won't wake up!''

The salesman tries and the farmer does not wake up. The salesman and the farmer's wife get into a fucking session. They repeat the act several more times that night and the salesman plucks a hair out of the farmer's ass every time he goes to fuck the wife.

Finally the farmer wakes up and says, ''Hey, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but can you stop using my ass as a scoreboard!?!''

Banned customers

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world.

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude, gross and disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It’s official: I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

One kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

A waiter asks a patron, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Bill and Earl are out playing golf.

They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.

Bill says, “Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishin’ in the rain!”

My own golf course

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothin’. I have eleven sons. One more and I’ll have a football team.”

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies “You guys haven’t found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”

The head switcher

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, “Whatever the cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. “Dere’s no charge,” he says. “No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” Bubba says, “it didn’t cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

“So, I just switched the heads”.