A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God?" says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put some eye drops in her eyes!"
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty
one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"
