Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent like himself.
Before you can truly love someone else, first you have to love yourself. Then wash your hands.
Life's too short to get out of the shower and pee in the toilet.
Santa went to US:
Call girl - wanna blowjob?
Santa - No.
Call girl - handjob?
Santa - No.
Santa calls back home - US is fine, no recession, got 2 job offers in 5 minutes.
A kid wrote to Santa, "Please send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother."
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah so, you doing velly well, only two left!
You know how you watch the news and you see a storm headed for an area that you're not even near and you feel sorry for them but, it doesn't ruin your day? That’s what them fuckers up in the space centre are doing as Dec 21st approaches. How do we know that Noah’s ark wasn't a rocket ship!...damnit!