A liberal and the conservatives

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"

The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."

The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."

The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"

"I would like a new sports car."

"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"

"I'd like a million dollars."

"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"

"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

Johnny Carson: Funny quotes

"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."

"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"

"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in."

"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."

"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan

"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."

"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"

"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush

On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."

"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"

"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians

What is democracy?

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson

English class bloopers

Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.

I like to visit small European tongues.

How far should I tip the driver?

She was so kind. She rode me all the way to the airport!

I hugged my girlfriend and then I defarted.

I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming fool.

Never lie to your mother

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmate's".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

I used to be

I  tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

5 things men wish women understood

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.

Short science jokes

What did one titration tell the other?
Let's meet at the endpoint.

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?
Aaaarrrrrrrrrginine.

Three wishes

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

The tomato family

A mommy tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato are walking down the street.

The mom and dad tomato are walking in step and the baby tomato keeps getting behind.

The daddy tomato walks over to the baby tomato, squashes him and says “ketchup!”

A short joke

What did the bolt of fabric tell his daughter when she threatened to run away to India?

"Go ahead ... you'll be sari."

Funny French short jokes

Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? 

A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? 

A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? 

A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? 

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? 

A. The Army.

Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!

A tip for making a horse work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Kernel and the user process

What did the kernel say to the user process that wanted to wrestle it?

You're not even in my ring.

In search of a pretty bride

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

"Well," the Redneck simply replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?"

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly notice -- pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly tell -- cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a wee bit -- not that you could hardly tell -- pregnant when you met her."

Murderer who wouldn't lend

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

Guess who's my fiancee

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

The man with two *********

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two *********."
"What, he had two *********???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two *********. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two *********."

Al Gore: Funny quotes

"Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." --David Letterman

"As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." --Craig Kilborn

"President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"Howard Dean dropped out.
Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." --Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." --Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." --Jay Leno

"Today, on the coldest day in over 50 years, Al Gore gave a speech attacking President Bush on global warming. Good timing Al. ... First he grew a beard right before the terrorist attacks -- that was smart. Now he is talking about global warming in the middle of winter. What's next -- cutting the ribbon at the Michael Jackson Daycare Center?" --Jay Leno

"Today is President's Day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, Monday." --David Letterman

"Political experts feel that (Al Gore) would be the best Democratic candidate to beat George Bush in 2004. There are three reasons for this. Number one, he has the experience. Two, he has the intelligence. And three, he's already beaten Bush." --David Letterman

"It was revealed this week that a shadow government of seventy-five senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event that the nation's capital is attacked. This is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year." --Tina Fey

"A new survey found that 62 percent think Al Gore looks better without his beard. Not only that, 92 percent of Americans think the beard looks better without Al Gore." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen the new Al Gore? He's wearing a beard. He's hoping that the rabbi look will help him next time in Florida." --David Letterman

"Al Gore has been criticizing President Bush the last few days. Yesterday, Gore said that the economy is bad and Bush is a lost driver that won't pull over to ask for directions. Gore says that he knows the directions because he has been spending his time working as a gas station attendant." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that Osama bin Laden has shaved off his beard and his laying low plotting his revenge. No, wait a minute, that's what they're saying about Al Gore." --David Letterman

"President Bush today was hammering nails in 100 degree heat -- God bless him -- down in Texas at one of those Habitat for Humanity projects. This is a terrific group. They build houses. He was building a home for an unemployed man. I tell you, Al Gore really appreciated it." --Jay Leno

"Coming up Monday is the 100th day of the George Bush administration. I want to tell you now, things are starting to look very, very dark for the Al Gore campaign. Very, very bleak." --David Letterman

"How many of you remember Vice President Gore? Well he teaches this class up at Columbia University and he invited me to go up there and take this class with him. So I went up there and the first half hour we took questions from the students and then the rest of the class we counted ballots from Florida. Then after class he says to me, 'Come with me Dave.' So we go into the cafeteria and I have to sit there with Al Gore for an hour while he tells me how he would have handled this whole China situation." --David Letterman

"Remember Al Gore? He was Vice President for a little while. Now, he is teaching school at Columbia, teaching a journalism class. Since the election the guy has put on 40 pounds. It's gotten so bad that every time he turns around, his ass erases the blackboard. ... He got on the scales today and demanded a recount." --David Letterman

"Al Gore is back in the news. You haven't thought about Al Gore in a while. Don't feel guilty about it. Al Gore has put on 40 pounds since losing the election and experts contribute this to depression. That's right. In a related story, Michael Dukakis now weighs 12,000 pounds." --Conan O'Brien

"He's so fat, Clinton is thinking of hitting on him." --from David Letterman's "Top Ten Responses To The Question, 'How Fat Is Al Gore?'"

"It's kind of ironic. He always wanted to distance himself from Bill Clinton. Now that he's out of politics and overweight, he is Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"This George W. Bush, in the latest poll his approval rating has dropped seven points. Finally, a glimmer of hope for the Al Gore campaign." --David Letterman

Meat for comrades

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet  Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"

Marketing concepts explained

Professor at a business school explaining marketing concepts to Students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Comedihens horsepital

Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital!

What do you say if you see a flying pig?
'I see bacon's going up'!

Who tells chicken jokes?
Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?
A swine gut!

How do you become a daddy?

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”