Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis. The first graders asked each other, "What's a penis?" None of them knew.
Finally one boy said, "I'll ask my Dad, he knows everything."
That evening the boy asked his Dad, "What's a penis?"
The father replied, "Well, if you're old enough to ask I guess you're old enough to know." Dad dropped his pants and said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, that's a perfect penis!"
The next day the boy told his friends, "I found out what a penis is, come on, I'll show you."
The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy, exposing himself to his friends, said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my cock a bit larger?"
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee, his penis was showing below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole, it was dragging along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
When he finally got back to the clubhouse the pro was there to meet him -- he had obviously seen this before.
"How do I fix it?!" the golfer asked.
"According to legend," the pro told him, "you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again."
So after purchasing five buckets of balls, the bowlegged golfer made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole in one.
He ran down to the hold and again the leprechaun jumped out to offer him any wish.
The player asked, "Could ya make my legs a bit longer?"
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."
"OK," the man says.
"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold".
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.The warmth of my body will warm them up."He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs.The warmth of my body will warm it up."He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said,"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager”, won’t it knock my teeth out?"
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...
Just then all the other bells started to ring.
