A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
“We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling,” Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in “The Nation”, "the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women", he said, adding: “Intelligent women tend not to be good looking.”
One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
Drinks on the house are illegal.
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)
Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.
Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
You can get out of paying for a dependent’s medical care by praying for him/her.
Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.
“Spiteful Gossip” and “talking behind a person’s back” are illegal.
You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.
Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)
Auburn
It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one’s bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.
Beech Grove
It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
Elkhart
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid’s ears.
Evansville
While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
Fort Wayne
You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record “It`s In the Book”.
Gary
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
South Bend
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Terre Haute
No one may spit on the sidewalk.
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Englishman: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.
The American: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.
The Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
The Palestinian: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive .
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so that it was not fair."
And God said, "Yes."
"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."
And God said, "Yes."
"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault."
And God said, "Uh huh. So?"
"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
As recently reported in the New Zealand Herald and other papers, the Attenborough's long-beaked echidna - a primitive mammal and one of the few that lays eggs - is not extinct as many had feared.
But scientists were not all that delighted by the report from the villager in Papua New Guinea that saw the extremely rare echidna:
"It was delicious," he said.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.”
“Well sir, it was fresh ground this morning.”
- Mitt Romney, the former Massachusetts governor, apparently often tells audiences that before arriving, he asked his wife, “Ann, did you ever in your wildest dreams think that I’d be here in [fill in town] speaking to [fill in group]?” Her response: “Mitt, you weren’t in my wildest dreams.”
- John McCain also likes to trot out a warhouse of a joke. He says Congress is spending money like a drunken sailor, then adds, “I received an e-mail recently from a guy who said, as a former drunken sailor, I resent being compared to members of Congress.” USA Today says it still gets laughs.
- Hillary Clinton cracked a corker of a joke in January, but unintentionally. She rephrased a question as “what in my background equips me to deal with evil and bad men?” Her listeners in Davenport, Iowa, laughed for 30 seconds; many assumed it was an allusion to her unfaithful husband. But the senator later said to the press corps: “You guys keep telling me lighten up, be funny. So I get a little funny, and now I’m being psychoanalyzed.”
- Mitt Romney handled the issue of his Mormonism by throwing out this joke at a St. Patrick’s Day breakfast in 2005, when he was governor: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman … and a woman …and a woman.” USA Today’s appointed joke expert, John Schacter, a humor writer for politicians in both parties, likes this joke. However, Mr. Romney hasn’t been heard to make it again.
I went to the doctors for a check-up the other day. It all seemed fairly routine to begin with, but after a couple of minutes, the doctor looked at me with a serious expression on his face.
“I’m sorry Sir, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop masturbating.”
“Why?”, I said, somewhat shocked. “Is there some kind of injury?”
“No, it’s not that at all, Sir. It’s just…” he paused, and looked down at me again. “Well, it’s really putting me off…!”
Mugabe dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven.
Mugabe must go to hell.
So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!
Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation when they feel nature calling. They stop at a rest area and are using the bathroom when a small man, no more than three feet tall, walks in.
He's wearing all green, even a little green hat with a shamrock on the brim. He walks up to the urinal and starts to pee. One of the college kids looks down and says,
"That's the biggest dick I've ever seen! How did you get it that big?"
The little guy replies, "I'm a leprechaun, I can do anything."
The student says, "Can you make mine like that?"
The leprechaun smiles and says, "A favor for a favor?"
The student says, "I'll do anything."
The leprechaun says, "I want you to bend over so I can give it to you in the arse."
The student says "OK, I guess."
The leprechaun jumps up on a stool and does his thing. He finishes and asks, "How old are ye?"
The student replies, "21."
The wee man laughs and says, "You're 21 and you still believe in leprechauns?"
"President Bush said that even though Rafael Palmeiro apparently lied to Congress about taking steroids he's a friend and he is standing by him. After hearing this Karl Rove started wolfing down steroids." --Jay Leno
"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Congress investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." —Jay Leno
"Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world so now were starting on this one." --Jay Leno
"Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons." --Craig Ferguson
"There's a congressional committee now investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball and so far they have subpoenaed a bunch of folks to testify about the use of steroids -- Jason Giambi, subpoenaed; Sammy Sosa, subpoenaed; Curt Schilling, subpoenaed; Janet Reno, subpoenaed." --David Letterman
"Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." --Jon Stewart
"Congress has asked several current and former baseball players to testify before them this week about the steroid scandal but only two players have said they'll show up. Apparently the others players don't have the balls." --Craig Ferguson
"How many folks saw the congressional hearings on steroids? I like this. One congressman said baseball can't be trusted. And I thought well, no, not like we trust Congress." --David Letterman
Senate Republicans are so committed to keeping this women alive that as a last ditch tactic today they subpoenaed her because it is a federal crime to harm someone who is called to testify before Congress. They said they didn't think she'd be a great witness but she had to be better then Mark McGwire." --Bill Maher
"McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids but I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit." --Bill Maher
"The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler
"Sammy Sosa was adamant, he said I have never used performance enhancing drugs. But then he said, I probably had to be on acid when I came up with that lip salute thing." --Bill Maher
"Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said 'I just use a little preparation H.'" --Craig Ferguson
"Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate -- superstar Mark McGwire -- with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it -- nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything." --Conan O'Brien
"Senator John McCain thinks that Congress may have to step in to control the use of steroids in sports. The Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agrees. Is this congress’ number one priority now? Baseball players. Did we win the war? How about global warming. Have we fixed that already?" --Jay Leno
Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the residents of the United States of America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods.
Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale.
How many investment bankers can you fit in the back of a pickup truck? Only 2 - you have to leave room for the lawn mowers!
I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner.
"Get my broker, Miss Jones."
"Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"
Keep your gas masks at an arms reach (you never know when an attack might start).
Last few moments in the lives of potatoes. You can say your last goodbyes to them.
A contractor dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” responds the contractor.
“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old!”
“There has been some horrible mistake,” says the contractor. “I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we just added up your time sheets!”
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, one from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of their tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. Upon discovering they were all contractors, the guard said to them, “Hey, we need some work done on the fence in the back…care to take a look and give me an estimate?”
Mr. Florida stepped up first. He took out his tape measure and pencil, whipped out a pocket calculator, and after a few moments replied, “Well Sir, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Mr. Texas was next. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some math, and came back saying, “It’ll cost you about $700: $300 for materials, $300 for labor, and $100 profit for me.”
Without moving an inch, Mr. New York immediately said, “$2,700.”
Taken aback, the guard looked at him incredulously and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How in the world did you come up with such an astronomical figure?!?”
“Easy,” Mr. New York replied, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you…and we hire the guy from Texas.”
"The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration."
"The Pentagon said this week the war in Iraq cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is: operations, $10 billion; personnel, $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected — priceless." —Bill Maher
