"The best way to
win an argument is to begin by being right."
-- Jill Ruckelshaus
DAY 752-My captors
continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow
I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm must try this with their baby...
Mother cat with
several kittens are walking in the park when a handsome Tom cat walks by and says, "Hi, Honey."
Mother cat says, "Don't you 'Honey' me! You said we were only fighting!"
A fellow who's just
reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media.
"Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?"
"It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied. "I just never argue."
"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!"
The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe, you're right."
"You can't have
everything... where would you put it?"
-- Stephen Wright
Two golden-agers were
discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."
Three old couples were
having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the
men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!”
Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man
said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so
the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two,
decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his
throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"
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