When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Showing posts with label one line dirty jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one line dirty jokes. Show all posts
- Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
- Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
- If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
- I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
- Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
- I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
- Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
- After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
- I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
- I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
- "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat . 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
The Washington Post ran a contest in which readers were asked to write a two-line romantic poem with the second line being as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other;
That is, until I met your brother.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working properly, if you open windows.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
Oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me some oral on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
To the preacher's surprise, Bubba gets in line.
It takes awhile, but Bubba is very patient. When it's his turn the preacher says, "It's been a long time since you came in, Bubba."
Bubba simply nods.
The preacher says. "What you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "OK, Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
"I don't know preacher," Bubba says. "It's not until next Wednesday."
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
* There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
* A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
* The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
* At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
* Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
* Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
* Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
* Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
* Hit any user to continue.
* I wish life had an UNDO function.
* If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
* It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.
* Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
* 665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast
* I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
* Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
* "To know recursion, you must first know recursion"
* Life's unfair - but root password helps!
* Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
* Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
* "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
* Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
* Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
* BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
* BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
* Managing programmers is like herding cats.
* "There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true."
* "A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."
* C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
* A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
* 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast
* APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. Application has reported a "Not My Fault" in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
* "The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea."
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.
“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
“Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.
“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.
“Nope. They are all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”
“The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.
“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept sayin’ he wasn’t… but you know what a liar he is.”
A fiberglass port-a-potty at Oshkosh with the message “I could have been a Glassair!” written on it?
“I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers.”
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.
“Gravity always wins!”
You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
747 on final approach at 1000? off the deck. First Officer asks Captain “Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?” Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.
Lost Cessna Pilot: “Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!”
A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
“I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep”
Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.
God comes and says :-
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man calmly replied "Join the queue."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rulesof 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
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