"Hey, did you hear about this? Today Chinese officials recalled one million tons of lead because it may contain toys."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend – “Look up at the sky and tell me what you see”
The MBA replies, “I see millions of stars.”
The Engineer asks “What does that tell you?”
The MBA ponders for a minute:
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?”
The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then speaks – “Practically, Someone has stolen our tent”.
An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin down there in hell?”
Satan snickered back, “Things are going great actually. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there’s no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up.”
To which Satan replied, “No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I’m keepin him.”
God retorted, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs loudly and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?”
Finally, here is a definition of globalization anyone can understand:
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess
riding with her Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
who were riding Japanese motorcycles.
Di was treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent around by a Canadian,
using American technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to your retailer by Mexican illegals.
That, my friends, is Globalization.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks: "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says: "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says: "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh,........... . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
Dear friends! I have compiled a book called "A little book of laughs". This book contains 100 laughs (a few funny pics and more than 90 jokes). This book contains mostly new jokes (by new I mean not present on this blog; although a few may be duplicate).
I work very hard to bring some laughter to your lives. You must have observed a request for donation on this blog. Its been up for some time now; but, regrettably, so far not a single cent has been donated. I am jobless at present. I need some help in the form of donations. To motivate readers into donating I came up with this book.
How can you get this book? Just donate anything you feel like donating and send me an email stating that you have made a donation (amount does not matter) and I will send you the book as an attachment.
I would have liked to give the book away as a free gift to the readers of this blog but as I have stated above, I do need a little financial assistance from you. So I have left it unto you to decide its worth.
Its a simple joke book; nothing fanciful. I am sure you are more interested in the jokes than in the layout of the book. By the way anyone who would like to volunteer to make it a little bit more attractive can get it for free.
Hope you like it! Accept my thanks for your cooperation!
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.”
The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferrari's,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient.
He looks at the patient and says: “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?”
“The good news,” the patient says.
“Well, the good news is we’re gonna name a disease after you.”
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” — Henny Youngman
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together that you wouldn’t have had in the first place if you’d stayed single.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many DIY’ers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -one to screw it in and another to sponsor him.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it’s really light anyway.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred - one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren’t chosen.
Q: How many MAC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’d have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which cost extra.
Q: How many PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it’ll be fixed in the next version.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and another to screw it up.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four - one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: enO.
Q: How many NASA engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy - and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather’s bad so they postpone it until next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.
Q: How many FOX news reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw people.
Q: How many WWE wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. Three to setup the drama and two to fake it.
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…)
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked “How much for the teapot?”
Carl replied, “That’s silver and it costs $300!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat . 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
A little girl asked her mom, “Mom may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she’s in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on a leash and only go around the block once.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
When the math professor’s wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:
My dearest wife,
We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I’m in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I’ll be home before midnight.
Your husband, who will never stop loving you.
When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:
My beloved husband,
You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Your loving wife.
P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don’t stay up and wait for me.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
"Throw me my 7-iron," Jim shouts back. "I just realized you can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humour?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
A man is sitting at a bar and see two lovely women across the room. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."
The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender brings the drinks to the women and they acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. A little while later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man says, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick vagina's."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
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