A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a “civil” war?
How is it possible to run out of space?
How long is the long arm of the law?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep." - Anonymous
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” - Agatha Christie
"Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep." - Albert Camus
“Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back” - Anonymous
“A rich man's joke is always funny” - Thomas Browne, Sr.
* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
* Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
* What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - Henny Young
* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
* I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope
* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
* Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
* There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
* A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
* The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
* At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
* Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
* Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
* Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
* Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
* Hit any user to continue.
* I wish life had an UNDO function.
* If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
* It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.
* Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
* 665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast
* I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
* Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
* "To know recursion, you must first know recursion"
* Life's unfair - but root password helps!
* Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
* Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
* "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
* Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
* Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
* BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
* BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
* Managing programmers is like herding cats.
* "There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true."
* "A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."
* C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
* A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
* 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast
* APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. Application has reported a "Not My Fault" in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
* "The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea."
Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"
Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…"
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price."
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
