Humorous quotes

* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

* Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

* What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - Henny Young

* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

* I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

* Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal