A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
JACK wearily trudged into the house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. "How was your game, darling?" asked his wife, Betty.
"Ach, I was hitting the ball well enough," sighed Jack. "But the thing is, my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well, you're 75 years old, Jack," said Betty. "You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Tommy along?" "But he's 85 and he doesn't play golf any more," protested Jack.
"No, but he's got perfect eyesight," Betty pointed out. "He can watch the ball for you."
So the next day, Jack teed off with Tommy looking on.
Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yep," Tommy answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I've forgotten," said Tommy.
Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.
“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.
God comes and says :-
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me."
The daughter nods in agreement.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
In a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he is still there.
The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three.” She replied.
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, “It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 minutes.
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
A farmer got in his pickup truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 yrs old opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
A vicar was playing golf with a friend who missed a three foot shot saying "dammit, missed the bugger." at which the vicar tutted.
At the next hole he missed again and said "dammit missed the bugger."
The vicar turned on him saying "if you swear again God will send down a thunderbolt and strike you down."
At the next hole John missed a two putt and cursed "dammit missed the bugger."
Seconds later the heavens opened, there was a loud clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning struck the vicar.
"Dammit, missed the bugger." God said.
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read jokes with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late... .
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffer ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Then Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
