1- Buff your mouse pad
2- Make a list of other things to download
3- Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
4- Count to 500 in "click" language
5- Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
6- Do a push-up for every blue bar on the progress meter
7- Name the presidents
8- Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
9- Re lace your shoes
10- Read every classified listing for "Programmers"
11- Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
12- Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection
13- Fill out all of your registration cards - in triplicate
14- Alphabetize your diskettes
15- Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
16- Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together
17- Update your potential password list
18- Cut your fingernails
19- See how may other words you can make from "download"
20- Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
21- Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
22- Time to windex that monitor again!
23- Might as well balance the old checkbook
24- Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
25- Weed out the rolodex
26- Buff the mouse pad -- oops, already did that!
27- French braid (optional)
28- "This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
29- De-kid proof the butane lighter
30- Reconsider your $500 E-Bay bid for a "Collector's" XT computer
32- Solitaire round 2
33- Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)
34- Alright, just one (more) beer
35- Think of good domain names to pre-buy
36- Practice writing; with your other hand
37- Attempt to change hair color, with your pen
38- Re-label file folders in all caps
39- Penny rolls, penny rolls, penny rolls
40- Color code your extra cables
41- Find all celebrities that share your birth date
42- Wadded-paper basketball to 100!
43- 100 sit ups
Connection Terminated - Start Over!
44- Find a pistol...
1- Buff your mouse pad
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird dropped a load when it was directly over him.
The Sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
A Teacher lecturing on population:
"In India after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid."
A Sardar stands up- "We must find and stop her!."
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters.
He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.
Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20… But, on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.
The man replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man’s hand along with her address.
She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, “Clean my house!”
A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”.
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”.
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.
However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk.
So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”.
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”.
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.”
“He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecutor attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5000 to compromise this case?".
The witness stared at the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true,that you accepted $5000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness didn't respond.
Finally the judge leaned over and said "Sir, please answer the question.".
"Oh!" the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there screwing around on the net.
Labels: hospital jokes
A blonde out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent her home to show her parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde ?"
Labels: money jokes
While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side."
The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.
"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?"
The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.
Labels: professions jokes
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Labels: salesman jokes
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”
The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.
“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!”
He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, “Congratulations you’re the father of triplets”!
He says, “That’s cool! I work for 3M.”
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where’s the third father?”
One of the other fathers said, “Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, “Why?”
He replied, “He works for Seven Up!”
Labels: hospital jokes
One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man calmly replied "Join the queue."
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman
"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien
"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno
"There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around.Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes,sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."
So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel.
He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.
A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"
A Sardarji proposes to a woman.
She says "Yes, I'll marry only if you would bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is organized; they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one .
Sardarji walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and still barefooted!"
Labels: ethnic jokes
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt is riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
Labels: old jokes
"And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
Labels: religious jokes
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew, they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
“No worries,” Jonah told them, “I’ll join you later and tell you what happened.”
After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score – 95-3.
“What?!”, they said, “How did you let them get three points?”
Jonah replied apologetically: “I was sent off with 20 minutes to go.”
Labels: black jokes
Women asked a man who was traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
Husband asks , “Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
It means-”Without Information Fighting Every time”
Wife replies,” No, It means- “With Idiot For Ever !!!”
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £800. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000"
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!