"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"
"The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible."
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."
"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."
"When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!"
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY."
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Signboard outside a prostitute’s house:
Married MEN not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy…
Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer doesn’t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration!
Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill asked, "Have you seen the Presidential clock yet?"
Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock." Bill then replied, " Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you." Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should."
Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock, and I promise I won't try anything." Sally then agrees to go with him. Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them, and then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted, and says, "Mr. President, that is the Presidential co ck, not the Presidential clock."
Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock.
A blond went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
A Cowboy said to a Rancher, "Is that your dog?" The Rancher replied, "Yup." "Mind if I talk to him?" "Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?" The Cowboy replied, "So what's the harm? May I?" "Go right ahead."
The Cowboy said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied, "Hello." The Rancher's eyes pop wide. The Cowboy continued, "Is this your master?" "Yep, he sure is." "Does he treat you alright?" "Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play."
Rancher was dumbfounded. The Cowboy said to the Rancher, "Is that your horse over there?" "Yes." "Do you mind if I talk to him?" The Rancher replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well, then what would it hurt?" "Go right ahead." The Cowboy said to the horse, "Hello." The horse replied, "Hello." The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open. The Cowboy asked, "Is that your owner?" "Yup, sure is." "He treat you okay?" "Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements." "Sounds good."
The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The Rancher is horrified and stammers, "Them sheep out there, they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living. The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"
An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it.
She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in an collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!"
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
A guy walks into a bar and says "Gimmy a double". The bartender pours a double and the little guy drinks it right down and demands another. The bartender pours again, picks up the guy’s money, and heads for the cash register. He gets about half way there when he hears a banging on the bar. The little guy again tells him to fill it up. The bartender reluctantly does so. Then asks, "What's the problem?"
The patron says, "Just leave me alone and give me more whiskey!" The bartender tells him that he can not keep feeding him whiskey at this rate because he will become intoxicated and the bartender will be responsible for him. The little guy says, “Don’t give a bunch of shit I am already pissed off just give me another drink!” The bartender tells him that he won't unless he tells him why he is so pissed off. The little guy agrees. The bartender pours a drink and waits. The little guy picks up the drink looks at the bartender and takes a little sip. Then he starts to talk. "It all started in here last night. I was sitting at the other end of the bar when I noticed this beautiful woman just down from me. I bought her a drink and we talked for a while. She looked at her watch and said 'Oh my it's late I must be getting home would you like to come with me?'. The bartender said, “What did you say? That shouldn’t piss you off".
"I said yes of course, do you think I am crazy." What happen next asked the bartender? "We went to her apartment just a round the corner. When we got inside she asked me if I wanted a drink and I said sure I do!" Sounds good so far said the bartender. "Sure it does." said the little man. "After a while we were getting close when she looked at the clock and said "My goodness it's late I must go to bed, would you like to come with me?" Wow said the bartender what did you do? "I told you I am not crazy I said why sure I would. We got into the bed and just about to get it on when she heard a noise and said 'Oh my god it's my husband you must hide or he will kill you!' Holly shit said the bartender that would piss me off. "No it didn’t piss me off but I was scared" said the little man. "She said quick hide in the closet". What did you do,” asked the bartender. "I TOLD you I’m not crazy I didn’t get into the closet instead I jumped out of the window and hung onto the window sill. The bartender was spell bound, what happened next? "Well that big son of a bitch came into the room and walked right over to the window and found me". Wow the bartender said that would piss me off. "No it didn’t piss me off but I was really scared". Then what happened, asked the bartender? "That big son of a bitch stuck the plumbers helper in my face". Now that would piss me off said the bartender. "No, it didn’t piss me off but I damn near suffocated. Then the big bastard pissed right in my face!" “Now that would piss me off” said the bartender. "No, it didn’t piss me off but it stunk like hell. Then that big prick slammed the window on my fingers". That would definitely piss me off said the bartender. "No, it didn’t piss me off but it hurt like hell" said the little man. My god man what does it take to piss you off.
"What really pissed me off was when I looked over my shoulder and found out my feet were only six inches off the damn ground".
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation.
“This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”
A man goes on an Indian reservation and sees an Indian with a feather on his head. The man asks the Indian why he has a feather on his head and the Indian replies "I fuck one squaw (Indian girl).
The next day the man sees him with two feathers and asks why he has two feathers and the replies "I fuck two squaw".
A week goes by and the man sees the Indian with all these feathers all over his body,the man say why do you have all these feathers on your body and the Indian happily replies "I big chief, I fuck all squaw!!"
The man said "Wow, isn't that a little bit hostile?
Indian says "hostile, doggystyle, anystyle!!
The man says "Oh dear!"
Indian says "No deer, ass too high, run too fast!"
Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick.
Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick.
A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."
"Whys that?"
"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."
In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly
man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while
sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and
the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First
Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst
wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and
defeated the pirates.
Later that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate
ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once
again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over
the two ships.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting
the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain,
"Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The
captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt
will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to
fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage
of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next
morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew
stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
