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Labels: punjabi jokes
A tour bus takes off with a full loan of seniors.
Soon after, a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture many times…
The driver finally has to ask the old lady why she and her elderly friends don’t eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it’s not possible because of their false teeth. “We are not able to chew them”.
“Why do you buy them then?” the driver asks, feeling puzzled. The old lady answers…
“Oh, we just love the chocolate around them!”
Helen Clark called Michael Cullen into her office one day and said, 'Michael, I have a great idea! We are going to go all-out to win back the confidence of the grassroots electorate'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' asked Cullen.
'Well,' said Helen 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Driza-Bone coats, some proper gumboots, a stick and a leather hat - oh, and a collie; then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old pub, in Taihape, or one of those country towns, and show how we really enjoy getting back to the heartland. We'll mix and mingle with the locals, and get to understand their problems and aspirations - to let them know the Labour Party has not forgotten them.'
'Right PM' said Cullen.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite collie in tow, they set off from Wellington. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for, found a nice quiet pub and, with the dog at heel, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening barman, may we have two pints of Lion Red,' said Helen.
'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of the best it is, coming up'.
Clark and Cullen stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to the locals who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar swung open, and in came a weather-beaten old farmer. He walked up to the collie, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He too walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Clark and Cullen could stand it no longer, and called the barman over.
'Tell me' said Clark, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom around here?'
'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a collie in this bar with two arseholes.'
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them.
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walked away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."
Labels: short jokes
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabbie agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man!
The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head.
"Don't do it!" His wife shouted. "This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
Looking over at the cab driver, he asks, "What would you do?"
The cabbie thinks for a brief moment and says, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Labels: kids jokes
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture, such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A Houston weatherman says:
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!? Bitch be a category fo'!? So grab yo' chirren, yo'Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos.
At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
Labels: ethnic jokes
Sardar joined new job.
1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what he did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I fixed it.
One day Sardar happened to see a marathon race.
"What are the guys doing?" asked the Sardar.
"We are running a marathon. The winner will get prize" replied one runner.
"Only the winner will get prize! Then why are the others participating?!" exclaimed the Sardar!
A man was sitting on a lonely beach. Tragically, through a childhood accident, he had lost both both of his arms and both of his legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man looked up and saw the woman was quite pretty. Sensing an opportunity he said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man looked up and saw this woman was even prettier. "No," he said with anticipation, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said: "Have you ever been screwed?"
The man looked up and saw this one was drop-dead gorgeous. With anticipation welling up, the fellow said "No."
She said: "Well, you will be when the tide comes in."
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.
Labels: lawyer jokes
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'
Bubba was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What will you take 30 days or $300.
Bubba: I think I'll take the money.
Son asks his dad the difference between LOVE, BELIEF & RELIEF.
Father says : your Mom is my LOVE, our maid is my RELIEF and I’m your dad – well, that’s my BELIEF!
Labels: father jokes