Mr B goes to his doctor to have his brain examined.
After an electroencephalography, his doctor tells him: "Mr.B. on the left side of your brain, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left"
Showing posts with label brain joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brain joke. Show all posts
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" Three dollars an ounce.
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?" Four dollars an ounce.
"How much for lawyer brain?" 'One thousand dollars an ounce"
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read jokes with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late... .
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A defense attorney, cross-examining a surgeon,
ATTORNEY : "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken a pulse?"
SURGEON : "No."
ATTORNEY: "Did you listen to the heart?"
SURGEON : "No."
ATTORNEY: "Did you check for breathing?"
SURGEON : "No."
ATTORNEY: "So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
SURGEON : "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
1) If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2) Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3) The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4) Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5) A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6) If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.
7) Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
8) A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9) Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10) Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
11) Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
12) Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
13) There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14) Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets.
15) Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16) There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..
17) Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
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