Symptoms of a bad day

… your twin sister forgets your birthday.

… you wake up face down on the pavement.

… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

… you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.

… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.

… you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.

… the woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the triple funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexicans wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He always made his own lunch."

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

A Scoutmaster was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You know asphalt has a liquid state.

A man went camping in the Reservoir as he had many times before. But he noticed something different this time when he began fishing. There were no bites on his line at all. He headed over to the local market to get some new bait, and the shopkeeper gave him some advice.

"Don't even bother buying any bait," said the shopkeeper

"Why's that?" questioned the man.

"There ain't no fish 'round here no more. We had a freak flood come through and wipe them all out."

"But how would a flood wipe out the fish?" wondered the man.

"There ain't never been no water 'round here, so the fish never learned to swim."

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

The mother superior of a convent was worried. She called her community of nuns together and said: “Sisters, I have grave news. We have found a case of Gonorrhea here in our convent…”

“Thank The Lord,” came the cry from one of the older members of the community. “I’m getting sick of Chardonnay!”

Name change

Paul saw someone in the street he recognized as his friend Woodall.

“Woodall,” he said, “what happened to you? You used to be fat and now you’re thin. You used to have hair and now you’re bald. You used to have perfect eyesight and now you wear glasses.”

The man looked at him in astonishment.

“Listen, sir, my name is not Woodall. It’s Wain.”

“Oh!” Paul exclaimed. “You’ve changed your name too!”

Hospital rules

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. At the exit I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven

Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush

Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

"Son, if you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about lending you the car."

Six weeks pass.

"Son, you brought your grades up and you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed that you haven't gotten your hair cut."

"Well, Dad, in my studies of the Bible I found out that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

"That's right, son, but did you also notice they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

Ballroom crowding

A guy in the elevator of a four-star hotel shouts, “Ballroom, please!”

The lady standing in front of him turns around and says, “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?

Bob whispered to John to keep calm.

Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals.

“If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob.

John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”

You're a mother

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

Curtain for monitor

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.” The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “seventeen inches.”

“Seventeen inches???” asks the salesman. “That sounds very small. What room are they for?”

The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room; they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, “but Miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo, I’ve got Windoooooows!!!!!!!!”