The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that, for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers, Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 10 seconds before a crash.
They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!” Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different - where over 89 percent of final words were: “Hey ya’ll, hold my beer and watch this!”
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
Hermione seems to have learnt a new magic trick; a magic trick every woman would want to use on herself.
Three dummies decide to go hunting. The first one says he’s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck.”
So the second hunter says that he’s going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe.”
So the third hunter says, “I’m just gonna shoot at anything I see.”
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!”
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
The most attracting man of the world can’t find a girlfriend. Romanian Aurel Raileanu has something very weird: everything of metal continues to stick to him.
“I might have had these abilities since I was a child, but I only realized about six years ago. I was wearing a fairly heavy necklace and the clasp broke, but the chain stuck to my neck. Then I tried it with other objects – lighters, spoons. I was even able to stick my TV to me, despite its weight.”
The human magnet is desperate in search of a relation, but as attractive he is to metal, women aren’t interested in him.
Aurel was brought to the UK to determine how magnetic he is. After a short test, expert professor Cowburn in London already concludes the Romanian has no attraction to metal. But how is it possible that metal sticks to his body?
Another expert, professor Christopher French, submitted him to more tests. Amongst those test was the alcohol cleaning of his body. In spite of the alcohol, a large metal spoon continued to stick to his body.
After Aurel’s body was powdered, he was suddenly no longer magnetic.
Conclusion of the professors: Aurel Raileanu attracts metal because of the stickiness of his skin, caused by the amount of a thing called sebum produced in glands.
After the experiment, Aurel was put back on a plane to Romania. It was not sure what happened when he passed the metal detector on his way home.
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a Visa
Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh.......... dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Consul: Oh.......... God!
Arab: Ya, I know it's Good ..for the health
Consul: Guards, take him out
Arab: Guard is ok. But sir, I always do in not out
Consul: Get.. Out
Arab: Ok..I will take it out . But sir you need here only...
A ROMANIAN murderer who tried to sue God for his troubled life has had his lawsuit denied - as God has no known address.
Pavel Mircea, who is serving a 20-year sentence, filed a lawsuit in the western town of Timisoara against God for "not protecting me from the Devil".
He claimed he had concluded a contract with God at baptism, but God had not kept his side of the bargain. "He was supposed to protect me from all evils and instead he gave me to Satan, who encouraged me to kill," Mircea said.
However, the public prosecutor's office in Timisoara turned down the case, arguing that God "is not a person in the eyes of the law and does not have a legal residence".
A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party. While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.
Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.
He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"
The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."
The policeman says, "Let me have a look."
The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."
The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."
The man replies, "OK if you insist."
When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.
"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart.
So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.
"Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A koala is sitting up a gum tree! ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After ! a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
JACK was having a lousy day at work, so he decided to call it quits and go home early ... and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Furious, he hauled him out of the bed, landed a right uppercut, threw him down the stairs, then picked him up by the scruff of his neck and threw him out the front door.
His wife fixed him with a baleful glare. "You know," she said, "If you carry on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
A friend was trying to get replacement blades for her father's tiny razor.
After a lot of trying, she decided that her friends in Los Angeles would help if she found something.
After dialing around she reached Ross Cutlery. They had blades that would probably fit, but they had a handle of the same brand
Hearing the quoted price, she asked if it was good stuff.
The salesman replied "Lady, do you follow the News? We sold O.J. the knife."
Two sardars were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : "What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?"
Sardar 2 : "Don't worry, I have one more."
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him, "Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring."
Sardar : "Ya sure, from land line or mobile?"
Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.
Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.
Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.
Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke.
Some friends get together to go hunting in the Maine woods. On their way to the campsite, they pass a farm with a sign posted in front: HUNTING DOG AVAILABLE. So they head up to the farm and ask the owner how much it would cost to borrow the dog for a day.
“His name is Reporter and you can have him for $20 a day,” the owner says. They pay the money, and after setting up camp they get started. Reporter turns out to be a fabulous hunting dog, flushing out all kinds of game. They use him every day and go home agreeing it was money well spent.
For the next few years, the friends return to the same spot in Maine and rent Reporter each day. Over the years, Reporter’s price keeps creeping up: $30, $40, $70. Each time the hunters pay it, because Reporter is a matchless hunting dog.
Then, one year, they head up to the Maine farm and ask to rent the dog. “You can have him for $5,” the owner says.
The friends are stunned. “Last time we were here, you charged us $70 to use the dog,” one of them says. “What happened?”
“Reporter’s no good anymore,” the owner says. “Last year I rented him out and some idiot called him Editor. Now he doesn’t do anything except sit on his ass and bark.”
A reporter and an editor are lost in the desert. They’ve been without food or water for days, and it’s beginning to look like this is the end. Then, just as they’re ready to give up, they see a shimmer on the horizon. They run toward it and see — an oasis! With their last ounce of strength they run to it.
The reporter reaches it first and jumps into a lake of the cleanest, freshest, tastiest water he’s ever experienced. He gulps down the water and splashes around in it. Then he looks up and sees the editor, who instead of drinking the water is standing at the waterline and urinating into it.
“What the hell are you doing?” the reporter shouts.
“I’m making it better,” the editor says.
Mr B goes to his doctor to have his brain examined.
After an electroencephalography, his doctor tells him: "Mr.B. on the left side of your brain, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left"
A man is making love to his best friend's wife when they hear the husband's car in the driveway. He dives into the closet.
The husband comes in, goes to the closet to hang up his jacket, sees his friend standing there naked, and says, "Lenny, what are you doing here?"
Lenny sheepishly shrugs and says, "Everybody's gotta be somewhere."
Seamus was about to go on his first date, so he asked his brother, the ladies man, for advice. "Give me some tips on how to talk to them."
"Here's the secret," said his brother, "Irish girls like to talk about three things: food, family, and philosophy. If you ask a girl what she likes to eat, it shows your intentions are honorable. If you discuss philosophy, it shows you respect her intelligence."
"Gee, thanks," said Seamus. "Food, family, philosophy. I can handle that."
That night as he met the young lady, Seamus blurted out,
"Do you like cabbage?"
"Uh, no," said the puzzled girl.
"Do you have a brother?" asked Seamus.
"No"
"Well, if you had a brother, would he like cabbage?"
"Sell a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you deprive someone else of a business opportunity" - Karl Marx.
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
"The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it."
-Bertrand Russell
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Joises, Please Mary, put down the gun."
Irish Predicament Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher
Carter: “How do you fix a broken tomato?”
Me: “How?”
Carter: “With tomato paste!”
A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.
“What are you doing?” he yells.
“See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
“If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep.”
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep…
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills…
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
Sign at a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We heard you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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