I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked. "Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said. "Yes, I did," he told her. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked. "Oh... she got fired too."
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are you?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bartender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, who are keenly watching the newcomer, “It’s okay, boys! He's one of us!"
A tourist asked a boat guy in Zanzibar, "Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology or Criminology?" The boat guy said, "No. I don't know any of these." The tourist then said, "What the hell do you know on the face of this Earth? You will die in illiteracy!" The boat guy said nothing. After a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking. The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodiology?" The tourist said, "No!" The boat guy replied, "Well, today you will Drownology and Crocodiology will eat your Assology. I will not Helpology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology."
While she was driving fast to office, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? " he asked. "They give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face – Priceless!