A mommy tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato are walking down the street.
The mom and dad tomato are walking in step and the baby tomato keeps getting behind.
The daddy tomato walks over to the baby tomato, squashes him and says “ketchup!”
Showing posts with label miscellaneous jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscellaneous jokes. Show all posts
1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a sub genius.
7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate’s personal objects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man, “Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.
16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
20. Move your mouth when you’re silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.
23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Cover up your mouth before talking to anyone.
26. Write your roommate’s name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn’t write it.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Apologize to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
36. Leave a marble in your roommate’s bed every day.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horse radish in your roommate’s shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. While you’re roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s Email.
53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.
54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.
55. Tell your roommate that it’s your birthday–every day.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Take your roommate’s pillow and put a water balloon inside of it.
58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
63. Follow him/her around on weekends.
64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.
69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
70. Let mice loose in his/her room.
71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.
72. Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.
73. Skip to the bathroom.
74. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
77. Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
79. Burn incense.
80. Eat moths.
81. Collect Chia-Pets.
82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
83. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
84. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate’s walls.
85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
86. Don’t ever flush the toilet.
87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
90. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.”
91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares.
92. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you’re going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Where am I?!” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don’t know what he/she is talking about.
95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”
96. Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”
101. Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? He/she won’t be here much longer.”
102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.
103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously “recover.” Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh, are you dying?”
105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”
106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here, somewhere.”
107. Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
110. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.
111. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that “It’s a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”
116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
117. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.
118. Call your roommate “Clyde” by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him “Clyde” all the time. If your roommate protests, say, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that anymore, Murray.”
119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”
123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”
124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, “What do you think you are? A king?”
125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”
126. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”
127. Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).
132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, “Don’t do that.”
136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”
138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”
139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and complaining.
140. Put up flyer's around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Stupid road runner….”
145. Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.”
146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.
147. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you’d like to have a conversation.
148. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn’t swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,” while eying your roommate suspiciously.
150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you’re not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
151. Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your…Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
153. Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.
154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
155. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, “Stupid horseshoe….”
156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.
157. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”
163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there’s going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
165. Make pancakes every morning, but don’t eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your “pancake farm” isn’t evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they’re for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman’s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, “Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
170. Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.
171. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
174. Constantly slip and fall–on your carpet.
175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
176. Invite the school President to sleepover.
177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
179. Walk into walls.
180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”
181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
182. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, “I’m watching you.”
183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned into Gumby.
184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
185. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
186. Wear a silly hat.
187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
188. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you?e afraid of aliens.
190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
192. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don’t know what he’s talking about.
198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Englishman: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.
The American: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.
The Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
The Palestinian: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive .
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.”
“Well sir, it was fresh ground this morning.”
A contractor dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” responds the contractor.
“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old!”
“There has been some horrible mistake,” says the contractor. “I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we just added up your time sheets!”
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking
Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's
necks.
He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn.
Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees
nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mm mm, he
thinks, what's
going on here?
A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the
head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he
looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the
ground. How odd!
A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on
the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can -
nothing.
He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a
cocktail sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks
a Few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder.
With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he
can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground
clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick
laden with a chunk of cheese and A pickled onion.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his
dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?"
Wait for it...
Are you ready...?
Brace yourself...
This'll make your day...
"BUFFET, the vampire slayer."
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
How do you keep a jackass in suspense?
I'll let you know tomorrow!
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
The slave master aboard a Spanish Galleon comes down into the hold where the slaves are rowing the oars -- stroke, stroke, stroke...
He says,"Listen up everyone! I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is, everyone gets a double ration!"
The slaves cheer.
"The bad news is... the captain wants to go water skiing."
My son had some minor surgery and was given some powerful pain killer pills to help with recovery. Also, his mother bought him the latest installment of Guitar Hero.
I told my son not to expect to excel at Guitar Hero because it is very difficult to play a musical instrument while taking drugs.
I suddenly realized what a stupid thing I had just said.
Three robbers broke inside the bank shortly after midnight. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
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IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous.
A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted!"
As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams, "They got US!"
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
Carter: “How do you fix a broken tomato?”
Me: “How?”
Carter: “With tomato paste!”
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