Putin called Obama to congratulate him on winning the second term and requested help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!" "Mr Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10” long and 3” in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Obama hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10” long and 3” in diameter." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in USA, Size: Small' on each one.

Teacher: Shanzae, Now tell me frankly, do you pray before eating your dinner? Shanzae: No Sir, I dont have to. My mother is a good cook.

Ayesha: Daddy, do you remember telling me that if a man gets on top of me, he disgraces my family? Father: Yeah, good girl, you remember things... That's nice. Ayesha: Last night when I went to Abdul's house. He tried getting on top of me, but I refused. Father: That's my girl. I know you will never disappoint me. Ayesha: Instead I got on top of him and disgraced his family 3 times.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

He's a heck of a bull, But....

Farmer had a champion bull, Bred 400 times a year. Farmer's wife said, "400 times. Isn't that wonderful dear. Maybe you otta watch 'em Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull, But it wasn't all with same cow."

English Weather

In deference to The Archbihop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK will no longer be referred to as ''English Weather”. Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite'

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals..., A Lion , A Chimp , Giraffe , ...AND... A Squirrel They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.: If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're dense. Giraffe = you're a complete moron. Squirrel = you're hopeless. A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should takesome time off and relax Have two glasses of wine. A full box of Chocolates. And a nice lunch. Now hurry up and forward it to someone else. They may need those glasses of wine.

We know what you are doing!

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? he suggests. Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharpeyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, so she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio . To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."