My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
A little girl asked her mom, “Mom may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she’s in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on a leash and only go around the block once.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture, such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A Houston weatherman says:
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!? Bitch be a category fo'!? So grab yo' chirren, yo'Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
"The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
A guy walks into a bar and says "Gimmy a double". The bartender pours a double and the little guy drinks it right down and demands another. The bartender pours again, picks up the guy’s money, and heads for the cash register. He gets about half way there when he hears a banging on the bar. The little guy again tells him to fill it up. The bartender reluctantly does so. Then asks, "What's the problem?"
The patron says, "Just leave me alone and give me more whiskey!" The bartender tells him that he can not keep feeding him whiskey at this rate because he will become intoxicated and the bartender will be responsible for him. The little guy says, “Don’t give a bunch of shit I am already pissed off just give me another drink!” The bartender tells him that he won't unless he tells him why he is so pissed off. The little guy agrees. The bartender pours a drink and waits. The little guy picks up the drink looks at the bartender and takes a little sip. Then he starts to talk. "It all started in here last night. I was sitting at the other end of the bar when I noticed this beautiful woman just down from me. I bought her a drink and we talked for a while. She looked at her watch and said 'Oh my it's late I must be getting home would you like to come with me?'. The bartender said, “What did you say? That shouldn’t piss you off".
"I said yes of course, do you think I am crazy." What happen next asked the bartender? "We went to her apartment just a round the corner. When we got inside she asked me if I wanted a drink and I said sure I do!" Sounds good so far said the bartender. "Sure it does." said the little man. "After a while we were getting close when she looked at the clock and said "My goodness it's late I must go to bed, would you like to come with me?" Wow said the bartender what did you do? "I told you I am not crazy I said why sure I would. We got into the bed and just about to get it on when she heard a noise and said 'Oh my god it's my husband you must hide or he will kill you!' Holly shit said the bartender that would piss me off. "No it didn’t piss me off but I was scared" said the little man. "She said quick hide in the closet". What did you do,” asked the bartender. "I TOLD you I’m not crazy I didn’t get into the closet instead I jumped out of the window and hung onto the window sill. The bartender was spell bound, what happened next? "Well that big son of a bitch came into the room and walked right over to the window and found me". Wow the bartender said that would piss me off. "No it didn’t piss me off but I was really scared". Then what happened, asked the bartender? "That big son of a bitch stuck the plumbers helper in my face". Now that would piss me off said the bartender. "No, it didn’t piss me off but I damn near suffocated. Then the big bastard pissed right in my face!" “Now that would piss me off” said the bartender. "No, it didn’t piss me off but it stunk like hell. Then that big prick slammed the window on my fingers". That would definitely piss me off said the bartender. "No, it didn’t piss me off but it hurt like hell" said the little man. My god man what does it take to piss you off.
"What really pissed me off was when I looked over my shoulder and found out my feet were only six inches off the damn ground".
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard...
