Why is it that men can react to broken bones as ‘just a sprain’ and deep wounds as ‘just a scratch’, but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill ‘with the flu’ and have to be bedridden for weeks?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A. You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.
Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.
Q: What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
A: No guy would pay to have a garbanzo bean on him.
Q: Whaddya call a Pakistani Prostitute in France?
A: La-whore
Jay Leno, host of "The Tonight Show on NBC," had a joke about India's election of Pratibha Patil as president during his monologue on July 24, 2007.
"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer."
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly, "They have bowls of it."
The LAPD, FBI, and CIA are trying to prove that each of them is the best at apprehending criminals. Louis Freeh decides to submit them to a test. He releases a rabbit into the forest, and tells each agency to go and capture it.
The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After threemonths of extensive investigating, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit. They make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in last. They come out one hour later with a badly beaten bear which keeps yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
At Duke University there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth five points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....For 95 points: Which tire?
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
10.
Q: What's the difference between civil and mechanical engineers?
A: A mechanical engineer builds weapons, a civil engineer builds targets.
9.
A mathematician tells a colleague his wife just had a baby.
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes."
8.
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
7.
Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.
6.
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
5.
One night, there're sin, tan and cos together around a campfire, while e^x is all by himself. When someone asks him why he isn't wit the other, e^x says: "I tried to integrate myself, but nothing ever happens."
4.
Q: Let's say only you and dead people can read hex. If you teach your buddy how to read hex also, what do you all have in common?
A: You are all deaf.
3.
A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenberg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dr. Heisenberg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"
2.
Ascii stupid question, get a stupid Ansi!
1.
How do you tell an extrovert engineer from an introvert?
An extrovert engineer will look at your shoes when he talks to you.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia. He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel’s coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him and started a casual conversation.
Malaysian: “You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?”
Singaporean: “Of course.”
Malaysian: “We don’t. In Malaysia , we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore.”
The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence…
Malaysian: “Do you eat the jam with the bread?”
Singaporean: “Of course.”
Malaysian (chuckling): “We don’t. In Malaysia , we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to
Singapore.”
This time, the Singaporean retorted: “Do you have sex in Malaysia?”
Malaysian: “Why, of course we do.”
Singaporean: “Do you wear protection?”
Malaysian: “Of course! We wear condoms.”
Singaporean: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
Malaysian: “Stupid question! Of course we throw them away.”
Singaporean: “We don’t. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia, and that’s the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore!”
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a “civil” war?
How is it possible to run out of space?
How long is the long arm of the law?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
Finally, here is a definition of globalization anyone can understand:
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess
riding with her Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
who were riding Japanese motorcycles.
Di was treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent around by a Canadian,
using American technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to your retailer by Mexican illegals.
That, my friends, is Globalization.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many DIY’ers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -one to screw it in and another to sponsor him.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it’s really light anyway.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred - one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren’t chosen.
Q: How many MAC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’d have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which cost extra.
Q: How many PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it’ll be fixed in the next version.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and another to screw it up.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four - one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: enO.
Q: How many NASA engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy - and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather’s bad so they postpone it until next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.
Q: How many FOX news reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw people.
Q: How many WWE wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. Three to setup the drama and two to fake it.
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…)
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat . 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
“Sorry. I didn’t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much,” the passenger says.
“It’s not your fault,” replies the cabbie. “Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.”
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater - Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
