I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger!
JACK was wearily trudging home, lost in his own private thoughts, when he heard a voice.
"Stop!" it said. "Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you!"
Jack stopped and a split second later a brick fell right in front of his feet. Rattled, he walked on.
A few minutes later, he was about to cross the road when he heard the same voice shouting: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run you over and kill you!"
Jack did as he was instructed and, sure enough, seconds later a car came hurtling round the corner, just missing him.
Jack's heart was beating furiously. "Where are you? he called out. "Who are you?"
Slowly, a shimmering shape appeared and manifested itself as an old, kindly-looking gent. "I am Clarence, your guardian angel," said this vision.
Jack just managed to fight back an impulse to punch him on the nose. "Guardian angel, eh?" he yelled. "Where the hell were you on my wedding day?
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''
A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round. Just as they got down to business, the door bell went. The woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."
The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally starkers, so hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.
After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.
"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"
"I know, said the old man, but just let me tell you about my weekend!"
Q: What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
A: No guy would pay to have a garbanzo bean on him.
Q: Whaddya call a Pakistani Prostitute in France?
A: La-whore
Some guys once wrote a book on learning English while drunk. It included commonly used English phrases such as "may I shake your crab."
In the newspaper today I read about a blind guy caught driving drunk for the second time. There were people in the back of the car telling him which way to turn.
St. Peter is guarding the pearly white gates up in Heaven. 3 guys walk up.
The first guy walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Hello, and who might you be?" The guy says, "I'm Monet." And St. Peter says, "Well, to let you in to Heaven, I have to be sure that you are who you say you are. Show me some proof." So Monet shows up any one of his famous, beautiful paintings, and, convinced, St. Peter says, "Oh, Mr. Monet! Come right in."
The second guy walks up. St. Peter says, "Hello, and who might you be?" The guy says, "I'm Beethoven." And St. Peter says, "Well, to let you in to Heaven, I have to be sure that you are who you say you are. Show me some proof." So right there Beethoven plays one of his symphonies on the piano, and, convinced, St. Peter says, "Oh, Mr. Beethoven! Come right in."
Finally, the third guy walks up. St. Peter says, "Hello, and who might you be?" The guy says, "I'm President Bush." And St. Peter says, "Well, to let you in to Heaven, I have to be sure that you are who you say you are. Show me some proof. You know, like, Monet showed me a painting, Beethoven played a symphony. ..."
And Bush says, "Monet? Beethoven? Who are they?!" And St. Peter says, "Oh, President Bush! Come right in."
Two Southern ladies, Maribelle and AnneMarie, were sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps. They have the following conversation, best imagined with an upscale Southern drawl:
Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?
AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That’s where I learned to say, “Isn’t that special” instead of “fuck you.”
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking
Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's
necks.
He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn.
Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees
nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mm mm, he
thinks, what's
going on here?
A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the
head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he
looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the
ground. How odd!
A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on
the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can -
nothing.
He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a
cocktail sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks
a Few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder.
With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he
can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground
clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick
laden with a chunk of cheese and A pickled onion.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his
dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?"
Wait for it...
Are you ready...?
Brace yourself...
This'll make your day...
"BUFFET, the vampire slayer."
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.
After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor.
Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building.
Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face.
Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling.
"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido."
But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside'
They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him
"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate."
As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan'
Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside.
A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion,
"It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward?
You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back...
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
How do you keep a jackass in suspense?
I'll let you know tomorrow!
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road.
The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball.
It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter.
One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.
One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”.
The slave master aboard a Spanish Galleon comes down into the hold where the slaves are rowing the oars -- stroke, stroke, stroke...
He says,"Listen up everyone! I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is, everyone gets a double ration!"
The slaves cheer.
"The bad news is... the captain wants to go water skiing."
A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear.
She says to the doctor, "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
What is Santa's favorite candy?
Jolly Ranchers!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
What did the big telephone say to the small telephone?
"You're too small to be engaged!"
A teen aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend,
"I don't really like to dress like this but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
A man went to see an ophthalmologist and complained that he was short-sighted.
The doctor took him outside, pointed upward and asked, "What do you see there?"
"The sun," the man replied.
The eye doctor asked, "How far do you want to see!?"
What is the difference between a camel and a diplomat?
A camel can work two weeks without drinking, whereas a diplomat can drink two weeks without working. Apart from that they are quite similar.
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Jay Leno, host of "The Tonight Show on NBC," had a joke about India's election of Pratibha Patil as president during his monologue on July 24, 2007.
"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer."
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly, "They have bowls of it."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
The LAPD, FBI, and CIA are trying to prove that each of them is the best at apprehending criminals. Louis Freeh decides to submit them to a test. He releases a rabbit into the forest, and tells each agency to go and capture it.
The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After threemonths of extensive investigating, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit. They make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in last. They come out one hour later with a badly beaten bear which keeps yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
Her father said: "You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number", replied the girl.
My son had some minor surgery and was given some powerful pain killer pills to help with recovery. Also, his mother bought him the latest installment of Guitar Hero.
I told my son not to expect to excel at Guitar Hero because it is very difficult to play a musical instrument while taking drugs.
I suddenly realized what a stupid thing I had just said.
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
Three robbers broke inside the bank shortly after midnight. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
