The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Showing posts with label husband jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband jokes. Show all posts
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said," And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”
The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?”
“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?”
“I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”
“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.
“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.
“Is it your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.
When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”
Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”
“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”
“Mr. Thomas,” said the doctor, ”bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doc said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I have heard that prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see you live on £800 a year"
A man comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says "You are next, fatty".
- I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
- Today is our what?
- Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
- I thought we only celebrated important events?
- You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
- You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
- I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
- If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
- You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
- I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them. Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied,
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables.
He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"
The employee said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse is on the phone"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Husband asks , “Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
It means-”Without Information Fighting Every time”
Wife replies,” No, It means- “With Idiot For Ever !!!”
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away with that one!"
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
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