A liberal and the conservatives

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"

The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."

The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."

The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"

"I would like a new sports car."

"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"

"I'd like a million dollars."

"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"

"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."


"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"


"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in."


"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."


"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan


"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."


"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"


"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush


On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."


"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"


"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson

Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.

I like to visit small European tongues.

How far should I tip the driver?

She was so kind. She rode me all the way to the airport!

I hugged my girlfriend and then I defarted.

I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming fool.

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmate's".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

I used to be

I  tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

5 things men wish women understood

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.

What did one titration tell the other?
Let's meet at the endpoint.

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?
Aaaarrrrrrrrrginine.

Three wishes

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

The tomato family

A mommy tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato are walking down the street.

The mom and dad tomato are walking in step and the baby tomato keeps getting behind.

The daddy tomato walks over to the baby tomato, squashes him and says “ketchup!”

A short joke

What did the bolt of fabric tell his daughter when she threatened to run away to India?

"Go ahead ... you'll be sari."

Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? 

A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? 

A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? 

A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? 

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? 

A. The Army.

Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

What did the kernel say to the user process that wanted to wrestle it?

You're not even in my ring.

In search of a pretty bride

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

"Well," the Redneck simply replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?"

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly notice -- pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly tell -- cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a wee bit -- not that you could hardly tell -- pregnant when you met her."

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."


A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"


The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."


Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"


The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"


Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.


He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".


The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.


He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."


She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."


"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"


"I don't like her."

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".


The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".


The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two *********."
"What, he had two *********???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two *********. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two *********."

"Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." --David Letterman

"As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." --Craig Kilborn

"President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"Howard Dean dropped out.
Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." --Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." --Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." --Jay Leno

"Today, on the coldest day in over 50 years, Al Gore gave a speech attacking President Bush on global warming. Good timing Al. ... First he grew a beard right before the terrorist attacks -- that was smart. Now he is talking about global warming in the middle of winter. What's next -- cutting the ribbon at the Michael Jackson Daycare Center?" --Jay Leno

"Today is President's Day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, Monday." --David Letterman

"Political experts feel that (Al Gore) would be the best Democratic candidate to beat George Bush in 2004. There are three reasons for this. Number one, he has the experience. Two, he has the intelligence. And three, he's already beaten Bush." --David Letterman

"It was revealed this week that a shadow government of seventy-five senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event that the nation's capital is attacked. This is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year." --Tina Fey

"A new survey found that 62 percent think Al Gore looks better without his beard. Not only that, 92 percent of Americans think the beard looks better without Al Gore." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen the new Al Gore? He's wearing a beard. He's hoping that the rabbi look will help him next time in Florida." --David Letterman

"Al Gore has been criticizing President Bush the last few days. Yesterday, Gore said that the economy is bad and Bush is a lost driver that won't pull over to ask for directions. Gore says that he knows the directions because he has been spending his time working as a gas station attendant." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that Osama bin Laden has shaved off his beard and his laying low plotting his revenge. No, wait a minute, that's what they're saying about Al Gore." --David Letterman

"President Bush today was hammering nails in 100 degree heat -- God bless him -- down in Texas at one of those Habitat for Humanity projects. This is a terrific group. They build houses. He was building a home for an unemployed man. I tell you, Al Gore really appreciated it." --Jay Leno

"Coming up Monday is the 100th day of the George Bush administration. I want to tell you now, things are starting to look very, very dark for the Al Gore campaign. Very, very bleak." --David Letterman

"How many of you remember Vice President Gore? Well he teaches this class up at Columbia University and he invited me to go up there and take this class with him. So I went up there and the first half hour we took questions from the students and then the rest of the class we counted ballots from Florida. Then after class he says to me, 'Come with me Dave.' So we go into the cafeteria and I have to sit there with Al Gore for an hour while he tells me how he would have handled this whole China situation." --David Letterman

"Remember Al Gore? He was Vice President for a little while. Now, he is teaching school at Columbia, teaching a journalism class. Since the election the guy has put on 40 pounds. It's gotten so bad that every time he turns around, his ass erases the blackboard. ... He got on the scales today and demanded a recount." --David Letterman

"Al Gore is back in the news. You haven't thought about Al Gore in a while. Don't feel guilty about it. Al Gore has put on 40 pounds since losing the election and experts contribute this to depression. That's right. In a related story, Michael Dukakis now weighs 12,000 pounds." --Conan O'Brien

"He's so fat, Clinton is thinking of hitting on him." --from David Letterman's "Top Ten Responses To The Question, 'How Fat Is Al Gore?'"

"It's kind of ironic. He always wanted to distance himself from Bill Clinton. Now that he's out of politics and overweight, he is Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"This George W. Bush, in the latest poll his approval rating has dropped seven points. Finally, a glimmer of hope for the Al Gore campaign." --David Letterman

Meat for comrades

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet  Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"

Professor at a business school explaining marketing concepts to Students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital!

What do you say if you see a flying pig?
'I see bacon's going up'!

Who tells chicken jokes?
Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?
A swine gut!

How do you become a daddy?

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

12 funny quotes

“There’s a reason they call it space. If there was something there, they’d call it stuff." - Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program

“My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese ... as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.” - Jimmy Carr

“I’m so paranoid about my kids being grabbed by someone that I only let my daughter hang out with better-looking kids.” - Kenny Robinson

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” - Zach Galifianakis

“This is the first year Canada Customs gets guns. Next year they get bullets.” - Jazz Mann

“I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote ‘Free Tibet’.” - Mike DiStefano

“Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?” - Jimmy Carr

“My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it’s creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before.” - Tom Papa

“There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you’re shooting at Jack Bauer or looking for White Castle.” - Mark Saldana

“What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No — that’s a lie promoted by the bears.” - Eugene Mirman

“Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love. That’s why I no longer eat raisins.” - Zach Galifianakis

“I’m living with a crazy midget. Crazy people talk to themselves, laugh at their own jokes and s--t themselves. That’s my son.” - Jo Koy

Mexican firing range

Laughing baby

A dead terrorist

Psychiatrist to the rescue

A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.

"Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner."

The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.

Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side.

"How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?"

The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"

David Blaine The time traveler

Did he survive?

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

Smoking gun

199 ways to get rid of your roommate

1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a sub genius.

7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate’s personal objects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man, “Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

20. Move your mouth when you’re silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.

23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Cover up your mouth before talking to anyone.

26. Write your roommate’s name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn’t write it.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Apologize to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).

36. Leave a marble in your roommate’s bed every day.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horse radish in your roommate’s shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. While you’re roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s Email.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

55. Tell your roommate that it’s your birthday–every day.

56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

57. Take your roommate’s pillow and put a water balloon inside of it.

58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.

69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.

70. Let mice loose in his/her room.

71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.

72. Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.

73. Skip to the bathroom.

74. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.

76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

77. Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

79. Burn incense.

80. Eat moths.

81. Collect Chia-Pets.

82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

83. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

84. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate’s walls.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

86. Don’t ever flush the toilet.

87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”

88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

90. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.”

91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares.

92. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you’re going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Where am I?!” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don’t know what he/she is talking about.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”

96. Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”

101. Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? He/she won’t be here much longer.”

102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously “recover.” Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh, are you dying?”

105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”

106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here, somewhere.”

107. Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

110. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.

111. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.

112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”

113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that “It’s a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”

116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

117. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.

118. Call your roommate “Clyde” by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him “Clyde” all the time. If your roommate protests, say, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that anymore, Murray.”

119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”

123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”

124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, “What do you think you are? A king?”

125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”

126. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”

127. Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).

132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, “Don’t do that.”

136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”

138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”

139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and complaining.

140. Put up flyer's around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Stupid road runner….”

145. Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.”

146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.

147. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you’d like to have a conversation.

148. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn’t swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,” while eying your roommate suspiciously.

150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you’re not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

151. Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your…Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

153. Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.

154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

155. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, “Stupid horseshoe….”

156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.

157. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.

161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”

163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there’s going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

165. Make pancakes every morning, but don’t eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your “pancake farm” isn’t evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they’re for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman’s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.

169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, “Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.

170. Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.

171. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

174. Constantly slip and fall–on your carpet.

175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.

176. Invite the school President to sleepover.

177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.

178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.

179. Walk into walls.

180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”

181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.

182. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, “I’m watching you.”

183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned into Gumby.

184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.

185. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.

186. Wear a silly hat.

187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.

188. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.

189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you?e afraid of aliens.

190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.

191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.

192. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.

193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.

194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.

195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.

196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.

197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don’t know what he’s talking about.

198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.

199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.

SMS report

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.

Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.

The report said, "DELIVERED".

Practice makes a man perfect.....But nobody's perfect..... .so why practice?

Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

Save water. Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

Advice from a guru

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

You had a bad day

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger’s neck and acts as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, out side the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what house cats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike house cats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one fore paw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from house cats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

2 funny puns

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because “Da oily boid gets da woim.”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.

In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us.

You are master in your own house — the doghouse!

When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral, but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.

Some day you will find yourself — and wish that you hadn’t.

People clap when they see you — their hands over their eyes or ears.

Whatever is eating you — must be suffering horribly.

Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified.

You are not as bad as people say — you are worse!

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Whom am I calling “stupid”? I don’t know. What’s your name?

Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Hazards of kissing

A professor was warning his students against the hazards of kissing.

“You should know when a boy kisses a girl transfers 40,000 germs from his mouth to that of his girl friend. What can you do about that?”

Pat came the reply from a girl, “You should give him back all his germs the same way.”

Ooooh! That hurts! Funny video!

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.

All positive integers are equal

Theorem: All positive integers are equal.

Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.

Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.

Proceed by induction.

If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.

Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

8 elephant jokes

What's grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy!

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts!

What’s grey but turns red?
An embarrassed elephant!

What’s grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant!

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it’s a baby elephant!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Wisconsin strange laws!

You must manually flush all urinals in a building.

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Citizens may not murder their enemies.

Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.

As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.

At one time, margarine was illegal.

State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.

It is illegal to kiss on a train.

It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair.

Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.

Dresden bombing by RAF was a mistake

Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?

A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do d*ck!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

Gay one liners

Q: What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumcision?

A: Give it to the gays for chewing gum!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

A Teenager is…

A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Dallas: Crazy law

It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.

Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

New movie "Constipation"

Did you hear about the new movie ”Constipation?”

It hasn’t come out yet.

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

“Sergeant-Major!” the colonel shouted. “Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.”

“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

“Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,” the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. “Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?”

“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replies.

“Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?” the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, “Sir. It’s you he’s fond of.”

Parking problem

There was this Filipino who had a very big truck. One day, he went to a coliseum to see a baseball game. All the parking spaces were taken except one which said “COMPACT”.

He backed up to park in it, then a police officer came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”

He replied, “I’m parking here.”

The officer said, “Sir, you cannot park here it is a “COMPACT”.

So, the guy left and came back, then he went to the same parking space to park. The officer is like “what are you doing sir? I told you it was compact!”

The guy said, “I know I did what you said I “COMPACT” I left and “COMPACT”.

What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President’s personal secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming down for a visit?”

“Your Jew’s harpist is here to play ‘Hail to the Chief.’”

Lab Reports
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the lab
with a ten page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn’t it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.

Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?

A: You never leave home.

12 funny insults

I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me.

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more!

Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.

The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you’ll windup with lockjaw.

I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!

If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

Funny poem

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall.

I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn’t understand.

Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

In search of a girl friend

4 tips for a longer life

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

Invisible sister

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she’s invisible.

What sister?

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

The following is supposedly a true story.

Bangkok, Thailand

A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.

“We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling,” Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.

In an interview published in “The Nation”, "the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women", he said, adding: “Intelligent women tend not to be good looking.”

One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

Drinks on the house are illegal.

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)

Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

Liquor stores may not sell milk.

Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

You can get out of paying for a dependent’s medical care by praying for him/her.

Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

“Spiteful Gossip” and “talking behind a person’s back” are illegal.

You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

Auburn
It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one’s bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

Beech Grove
It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

Elkhart
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid’s ears.

Evansville
While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Fort Wayne
You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record “It`s In the Book”.

Gary
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

South Bend
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Terre Haute
No one may spit on the sidewalk.

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Englishman: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.

The American: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

The Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.

The Palestinian: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive .

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so that it was not fair."

And God said, "Yes."

"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."

And God said, "Yes."

"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault."

And God said, "Uh huh. So?"

"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Attenborough's long-beaked echidna

As recently reported in the New Zealand Herald and other papers, the Attenborough's long-beaked echidna - a primitive mammal and one of the few that lays eggs - is not extinct as many had feared.

But scientists were not all that delighted by the report from the villager in Papua New Guinea that saw the extremely rare echidna:

"It was delicious," he said.


And thus they started and have dominated the jokes arena ever since.

“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.”

“Well sir, it was fresh ground this morning.”

Presidential candidates, funny moments

  • Mitt Romney, the former Massachusetts governor, apparently often tells audiences that before arriving, he asked his wife, “Ann, did you ever in your wildest dreams think that I’d be here in [fill in town] speaking to [fill in group]?” Her response: “Mitt, you weren’t in my wildest dreams.”

  • John McCain also likes to trot out a warhouse of a joke. He says Congress is spending money like a drunken sailor, then adds, “I received an e-mail recently from a guy who said, as a former drunken sailor, I resent being compared to members of Congress.” USA Today says it still gets laughs.

  • Hillary Clinton cracked a corker of a joke in January, but unintentionally. She rephrased a question as “what in my background equips me to deal with evil and bad men?” Her listeners in Davenport, Iowa, laughed for 30 seconds; many assumed it was an allusion to her unfaithful husband. But the senator later said to the press corps: “You guys keep telling me lighten up, be funny. So I get a little funny, and now I’m being psychoanalyzed.”

  • Mitt Romney handled the issue of his Mormonism by throwing out this joke at a St. Patrick’s Day breakfast in 2005, when he was governor: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman … and a woman …and a woman.” USA Today’s appointed joke expert, John Schacter, a humor writer for politicians in both parties, likes this joke. However, Mr. Romney hasn’t been heard to make it again.

I went to the doctors for a check-up the other day. It all seemed fairly routine to begin with, but after a couple of minutes, the doctor looked at me with a serious expression on his face.

“I’m sorry Sir, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop masturbating.”

“Why?”, I said, somewhat shocked. “Is there some kind of injury?”

“No, it’s not that at all, Sir. It’s just…” he paused, and looked down at me again. “Well, it’s really putting me off…!”


Mugabe dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven.

Mugabe must go to hell.

So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.

Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.


As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!

A leprechaun joke

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation when they feel nature calling. They stop at a rest area and are using the bathroom when a small man, no more than three feet tall, walks in.

He's wearing all green, even a little green hat with a shamrock on the brim. He walks up to the urinal and starts to pee. One of the college kids looks down and says,

"That's the biggest dick I've ever seen! How did you get it that big?"

The little guy replies, "I'm a leprechaun, I can do anything."

The student says, "Can you make mine like that?"

The leprechaun smiles and says, "A favor for a favor?"

The student says, "I'll do anything."

The leprechaun says, "I want you to bend over so I can give it to you in the arse."

The student says "OK, I guess."

The leprechaun jumps up on a stool and does his thing. He finishes and asks, "How old are ye?"

The student replies, "21."

The wee man laughs and says, "You're 21 and you still believe in leprechauns?"