Al Gore: Funny quotes

"Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." --David Letterman

"As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." --Craig Kilborn

"President Bush's dog Spot passed away ... so they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas ... and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"Howard Dean dropped out.
Let's face it, Dean never recovered from that unforgettable disaster in the beginning: Al Gore's endorsement." --Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." --Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." --David Letterman

"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." --Jay Leno

"Today, on the coldest day in over 50 years, Al Gore gave a speech attacking President Bush on global warming. Good timing Al. ... First he grew a beard right before the terrorist attacks -- that was smart. Now he is talking about global warming in the middle of winter. What's next -- cutting the ribbon at the Michael Jackson Daycare Center?" --Jay Leno

"Today is President's Day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, Monday." --David Letterman

"Political experts feel that (Al Gore) would be the best Democratic candidate to beat George Bush in 2004. There are three reasons for this. Number one, he has the experience. Two, he has the intelligence. And three, he's already beaten Bush." --David Letterman

"It was revealed this week that a shadow government of seventy-five senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event that the nation's capital is attacked. This is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year." --Tina Fey

"A new survey found that 62 percent think Al Gore looks better without his beard. Not only that, 92 percent of Americans think the beard looks better without Al Gore." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen the new Al Gore? He's wearing a beard. He's hoping that the rabbi look will help him next time in Florida." --David Letterman

"Al Gore has been criticizing President Bush the last few days. Yesterday, Gore said that the economy is bad and Bush is a lost driver that won't pull over to ask for directions. Gore says that he knows the directions because he has been spending his time working as a gas station attendant." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that Osama bin Laden has shaved off his beard and his laying low plotting his revenge. No, wait a minute, that's what they're saying about Al Gore." --David Letterman

"President Bush today was hammering nails in 100 degree heat -- God bless him -- down in Texas at one of those Habitat for Humanity projects. This is a terrific group. They build houses. He was building a home for an unemployed man. I tell you, Al Gore really appreciated it." --Jay Leno

"Coming up Monday is the 100th day of the George Bush administration. I want to tell you now, things are starting to look very, very dark for the Al Gore campaign. Very, very bleak." --David Letterman

"How many of you remember Vice President Gore? Well he teaches this class up at Columbia University and he invited me to go up there and take this class with him. So I went up there and the first half hour we took questions from the students and then the rest of the class we counted ballots from Florida. Then after class he says to me, 'Come with me Dave.' So we go into the cafeteria and I have to sit there with Al Gore for an hour while he tells me how he would have handled this whole China situation." --David Letterman

"Remember Al Gore? He was Vice President for a little while. Now, he is teaching school at Columbia, teaching a journalism class. Since the election the guy has put on 40 pounds. It's gotten so bad that every time he turns around, his ass erases the blackboard. ... He got on the scales today and demanded a recount." --David Letterman

"Al Gore is back in the news. You haven't thought about Al Gore in a while. Don't feel guilty about it. Al Gore has put on 40 pounds since losing the election and experts contribute this to depression. That's right. In a related story, Michael Dukakis now weighs 12,000 pounds." --Conan O'Brien

"He's so fat, Clinton is thinking of hitting on him." --from David Letterman's "Top Ten Responses To The Question, 'How Fat Is Al Gore?'"

"It's kind of ironic. He always wanted to distance himself from Bill Clinton. Now that he's out of politics and overweight, he is Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"This George W. Bush, in the latest poll his approval rating has dropped seven points. Finally, a glimmer of hope for the Al Gore campaign." --David Letterman