FBI Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test. For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."

Okay, lady! You can have your fu#&in deer!

It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.

Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"

Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.

Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not 15 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.

As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"

Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fu#&in deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fu#&in deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Who's the Boss?

Timmy and Tina were sitting down to eat their supper with the baby sitter when 6 year old Timmy saw the baby sitter sit down in his father's seat.

"You can't sit in my father's seat!" Timmy exclaimed.

"Your father is not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

Tina, the 4 year old, quickly replied, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

Wear some rubber, pastor!

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
 
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
 
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
 
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
 
Gotta love those senior citizens!

Mommy or daddy?

Santa: Whom you like more mama or papa?
 
Pappu: Both...
 
Santa: No tell me one..??
 
Pappu: Both.
 
Santa: If I go to America & your mother goes to Paris where will you go??
 
Pappu: Paris.
 
Santa: It means you like your mother??
 
Pappu: No, because Paris is beautiful than America...
 
Santa: If I go to Paris & your mother goes to America so where will you go??
 
Pappu: America!
 
Santa: Why?
 
Pappu: Paris toh ghoom aaye na papa.

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a Ruppe coin.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
 
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"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

A lady died this past January, and ICICI Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been Rs.0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around Rs.6000.00. A family member placed a call to ICICI Bank.
 
Here is the exchange :
 
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
 
ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
 
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '
 
ICICI Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
 
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
 
ICICI Bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
 
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
 
ICICI Bank: 'Excuse me?'
 
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
 
ICICI Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
 


Supervisor gets on the phone:
 
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a Rs.0 balance.'
 
ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
 
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
 
ICICI Bank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
 
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
 
ICICI Bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
 
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
 
After they got the fax :
 
ICICI Bank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
 
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
 
ICICI Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
 
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
 
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
 
ICICI Bank: 'That might help...'
 
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Avinashi, Coimbatore
 
ICICI Bank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
 
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'