A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.
He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest.
As luck would have it, there was a bar between his apartment building and the clock repair shop. He tried to time his rest stops to where he didn't block the entrance to any shop, but it was his bad fortune to be lugging the heavy clock past the bar when the bartender threw a drunk through the door and right into him. The old man was knocked to the ground, as was his clock, and ended up in a pile with the drunk who'd just been tossed from the bar . . . and the pieces of his clock. In his dispair, the old man took off a shoe and started beating the drunk in the head with it, saying over and over, "You damed old drunk, look what you've done. You're ruined my priceless clock."
The drunk, trying to fend off the old man's shoe attack, finally mumbled the words, "Well, shit! Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"
A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and asks, “What do you want, Fathead?”
The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, “There are three things a man wants in life:
1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;
2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and
3) A tight woman.
Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along…”
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “Gee… hmmm… I guess about $13,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as ‘just a sprain’ and deep wounds as ‘just a scratch’, but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill ‘with the flu’ and have to be bedridden for weeks?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
