A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet", said the boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
He’s a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. i saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk".
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You gonna tell him or should I".
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
Back before Bill Clinton was elected Governor of Arkansas, he and Hillary lived in a little trailer in suburban Hot Springs. Times were tough, so to make ends meet, Hillary took up shoplifting.
It wasn't too long until Hillary was caught looting the Piggly Wiggly and brought before an especially harsh judge, known for his creative brand of sentencing.
"What, Mrs. Clinton, did you steal from the Piggly Wiggly?" asked the judge.
"Just one jar of peaches" replied the future Senator from New York.
"And how many peaches were in this jar?" the judge probed further.
"Six" answered Hillary.
The judge studied the matter for what seemed like an eternity and raising his gavel, finally gave the sentence, "That will be six days in jail. One for each piece of fruit in that jar!"
But before he could bang the matter closed, Bill Clinton stood and asked, "May I say something of relevance to this case Your Honor?"
"I suppose it wouldn't hurt nothing." said the judge.
"She stole a jar of peas, too!"
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long- time resident who's very old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, " Look at me. I'm old and worn out. But I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the
best restaurants of France."
The new inmate asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
Mother: “Did you eat all the biscuits, Peter?”
Peter: “I didn’t touch one.”
Mother: “That’s strange. There’s only one left.”
Peter: “That’s the one I didn’t touch.”
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater - Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”
Oooh! That was nasty. Yeah things like these do happen at home (but most go unrecorded).
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working properly, if you open windows.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
Oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den.He is supposed to count upto 100 and then start searching.
Everyone starts hiding except Newton. Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it
right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100. He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says "Newton's out! Newton's out!"
Newton denies and says "I am not out". He claims that he is not Newton. All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared. Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal. Therefore Pascal is
OUT!
- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May
- If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there
- If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
- If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong numbe.
- If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Charleston for the Weekend
- If you measure distance in hours
- If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once
- If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and backagain
- If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
- If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
- If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them
- If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
- If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you
- If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
- If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
- If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
- If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly"
- If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your West Virginia friends & others, you definitely live in West Virginia
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Funny! - The best bloopers are here
Those cute little pets maybe quiet dangerous. Beware you have been fore warned!
I think we need a 912. The 912 will save 911 guys from emergencies like these when they get caught in some.
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter back from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the BODIES!
Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred
You might be a “high tech redneck” if….
- your email address ends in “over.yonder.com”
- you connect to the WWW via “Down Home Page”
- your bumper sticker says “My other computer is a laptop”
- your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith & Wesson”
- you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cell phone
- your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT”
- your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
- your wife said “either I go or the computer goes”…and you still don’t miss her
- you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
- you refer to your computer as “that good ol’ gal”
- your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
- you start all your emails with “Howdy, y’all”
- your spell-checker knows words like “Reckon”, “Yonder”, and “Y’all”
- your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU’s
- your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5? hard drive
- your computer beep is (insert farm animal sound here)
- your active newsgroup list includes alt.animal.husbandry
- hay has been found inside your laptop carrying case
- you have caught yourself coaxing a slow speed machine with cluck sounds, kiss sounds or giddyup
- your Netscape bookmark list includes EquiVet, net-vet or the OSU agriculture page
If all help desk guys have such enthusiasm no one will be left with any problems.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.
I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn’t put it down.
Q: What’s the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.
Q: What’s black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It’s good for hot dogs.)
Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.
Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.
Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.
Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.
“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”
“Oh, that’s awful!”
“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer - "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."
In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face. "This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."
The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo. Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Ag Rep with every angry snort.
The farmer shouted, "Show him your card !"
A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”
The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?”
“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?”
“I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”
“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.
“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.
“Is it your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.
When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”
Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”
“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was that day the answer came back, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
Two sperm are swimming in a women’s body.
One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, “Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?”
The second sperm begins to laugh and says, “The uterus!? We just went past the esophagus.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many.
Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.
