How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two, One to hold the Giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many DIY’ers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -one to screw it in and another to sponsor him.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it’s really light anyway.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred - one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren’t chosen.
Q: How many MAC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’d have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which cost extra.
Q: How many PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it’ll be fixed in the next version.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and another to screw it up.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four - one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: enO.
Q: How many NASA engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy - and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather’s bad so they postpone it until next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.
Q: How many FOX news reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw people.
Q: How many WWE wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. Three to setup the drama and two to fake it.
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…)
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many.
Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
Paul saw someone in the street he recognized as his friend Woodall.
“Woodall,” he said, “what happened to you? You used to be fat and now you’re thin. You used to have hair and now you’re bald. You used to have perfect eyesight and now you wear glasses.”
The man looked at him in astonishment.
“Listen, sir, my name is not Woodall. It’s Wain.”
“Oh!” Paul exclaimed. “You’ve changed your name too!”
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Th...
Q: Wanna ride bikes?!!!
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say “She’ll be right mate” and one to fetch the beers.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”
Q: How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
1- Buff your mouse pad
2- Make a list of other things to download
3- Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
4- Count to 500 in "click" language
5- Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
6- Do a push-up for every blue bar on the progress meter
11% Done!
7- Name the presidents
8- Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
9- Re lace your shoes
10- Read every classified listing for "Programmers"
11- Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
12- Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection
23% Done!
13- Fill out all of your registration cards - in triplicate
14- Alphabetize your diskettes
15- Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
16- Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together
17- Update your potential password list
32% Done!
18- Cut your fingernails
19- See how may other words you can make from "download"
20- Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
21- Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
22- Time to windex that monitor again!
44% Done!
23- Might as well balance the old checkbook
24- Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
25- Weed out the rolodex
26- Buff the mouse pad -- oops, already did that!
27- French braid (optional)
52% Done!
28- "This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
29- De-kid proof the butane lighter
30- Reconsider your $500 E-Bay bid for a "Collector's" XT computer
31- Solitaire
32- Solitaire round 2
33- Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)
34- Alright, just one (more) beer
65% Done!
35- Think of good domain names to pre-buy
36- Practice writing; with your other hand
67% Done!
37- Attempt to change hair color, with your pen
38- Re-label file folders in all caps
39- Penny rolls, penny rolls, penny rolls
73% Done!
40- Color code your extra cables
78% Done!
41- Find all celebrities that share your birth date
83% Done!
42- Wadded-paper basketball to 100!
94% Done!
43- 100 sit ups
98% Done!
Get ready....
Salivate...
Connection Terminated - Start Over!
44- Find a pistol...
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."
