A materialistic lawyer

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW."

Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.

He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

You vs Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

St. Peter and the lawyer

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

How to use a coin for exams?

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.

Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.

The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

Indications of a bad day


* You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A REALLY BAD DAY WHEN... The hold music is Van Halen's "Jump."

* You wake up from a hard nights drinking to discover that your water bed broke...then realize you don't have a water bed

* On a seaside stroll you notice the sign reading "QUICKSAND" is getting taller

Wife's revenge

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 80.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

The live statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Hand lotion dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser.”

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second
bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells.

“Holy Mary , Mother of God, hand lotion too!”

Blonds are not stupid

A group of Blonds are trying to prove they are not stupid. So one blond goes up and the dark haired man asks the blonds what is the sum of two plus three, the blond replies four. The blond crowd shouts give her another chance.

So dark haired man asks the blonds again what is the sum of two plus three, the blond replies six. The blond crowd shouts give her another chance.

So dark haired man asks the blonds again what is the sum of two plus three, the blond replies five. The blond crowd shouts give her another chance.

Captain hook

There are two pirates on a ship. One is much older than the other, and the younger pirate notices that he is pretty beat up. The younger pirate asks, “ How did you get that wooden leg?”

The older pirate replies, “Well I was messing around not doing what I was suppose to so they made me walk the plank and a shark bit my leg off...
Click Here!

The younger pirate with a amazed face asks: “Well okay... What about your hook hand, how did that happen. The older pirate replied, “ Well I was messing around again and they made me walk the plank again and a shark bit that off too...

The younger pirate with an even more amazed face asks: “Wow, well what about your patch eye did a shark get that too?”

The older pirate replied.. “ Nope! First day with my new hook!!!”

Poisonous vegetables

A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables.

He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

The employee said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."