A professor was warning his students against the hazards of kissing.
“You should know when a boy kisses a girl transfers 40,000 germs from his mouth to that of his girl friend. What can you do about that?”
Pat came the reply from a girl, “You should give him back all his germs the same way.”
Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” said she.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
What's grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy!
What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts!
What’s grey but turns red?
An embarrassed elephant!
What’s grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant!
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it’s a baby elephant!
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
Citizens may not murder their enemies.
Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
At one time, margarine was illegal.
State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.
It is illegal to kiss on a train.
It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair.
Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.
Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.
Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why do so many gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.
Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.
Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.
What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do d*ck!
Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"
Q: What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumcision?
A: Give it to the gays for chewing gum!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
A Teenager is…
A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
“Sergeant-Major!” the colonel shouted. “Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
“Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,” the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. “Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replies.
“Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?” the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, “Sir. It’s you he’s fond of.”
There was this Filipino who had a very big truck. One day, he went to a coliseum to see a baseball game. All the parking spaces were taken except one which said “COMPACT”.
He backed up to park in it, then a police officer came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”
He replied, “I’m parking here.”
The officer said, “Sir, you cannot park here it is a “COMPACT”.
So, the guy left and came back, then he went to the same parking space to park. The officer is like “what are you doing sir? I told you it was compact!”
The guy said, “I know I did what you said I “COMPACT” I left and “COMPACT”.
What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President’s personal secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming down for a visit?”
“Your Jew’s harpist is here to play ‘Hail to the Chief.’”
Lab Reports
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Dashing through the lab
with a ten page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn’t it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.
I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more!
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you’ll windup with lockjaw.
I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall.
I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn’t understand.
Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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