Computer humor

* There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

* A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

* The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.

* At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

* Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

* Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

* Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

* Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

* Hit any user to continue.

* I wish life had an UNDO function.

* If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

* It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.

* Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait

* 665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast

* I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

* Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.

* "To know recursion, you must first know recursion"

* Life's unfair - but root password helps!

* Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

* Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

* "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

* Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.

* Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.

* BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

* BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.

* Managing programmers is like herding cats.

* "There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true."

* "A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."

* C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

* A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.

* 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast

* APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. Application has reported a "Not My Fault" in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F

* "The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea."

The dead boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

North vs South

The North has Bloomingdale’s, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has craw fish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.

The seat snatchers

For 20 years he's (Dave John) been in the business of entertaining hip, young audiences with surreal whimsy. He's used to hecklers, habitual mobile phone-users talking through acts and awkward customers.All comedians are, it's an occupational hazard.

So, one recent Saturday night at Manchester Comedy Club, after seeing a group of 10 noisy Israeli students behaving obnoxiously he decided to nip it in the bud."Are you the Israeli students?" he asked at the start of his act. "Because there's 10 Palestinians at the box office saying you lot are occupying their seats."

The sub expert

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Children’s Logic

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

“Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says I’m four to six.”

Who was THAT?

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.

He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.”

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

Clinton in hell

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meet him there and says, “Bill, we have to find a spot for you for all of Eternity.”

So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.

“No,” Bill balks, “I can’t do that for all eternity.”

“Fair enough,” replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack.

“No,” Bill again balks. “I can’t do that for all of eternity either.”

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.

Bill smiles. “Yes!” he shouts, “That’s for me.”

Satan walks into the room, kicks Monica and shouts, “Get up Monica, and get out… Your replacement’s here.”

President is a liar

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.

“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

“Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.

“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

“Nope. They are all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

“The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept sayin’ he wasn’t… but you know what a liar he is.”

The long face

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

She's not my wife

Johnny's wife arrives home from town and says to him, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches."

"What happened ?" asked Johnny.

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache'. It worked ! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that IS wonderful," Johnny says.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom yourself these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?"

Johnny agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, Johnny comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move I'll be right back."
Johnny then goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Johnny, that was wonderful !"

Johnny says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
His wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Johnny again says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees Johnny standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife", " She's not my wife", "She's not my wife !"

The reluctant typist

A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That's fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”

“But aren't you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

The Blondes at the college university felt like they just didn’t fit in. Everywhere on campus they felt ridiculed and were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos out for sex. They wanted to feel like blondes belonged at the school.

A few of them pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for blondes. After much discussion, the university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The blondes were ecstatic. They now have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. The blonde college students finally felt like they belonged and were proud of it. They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos, after all, they now had their own “department” at the university.

They now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”

Ghosts or goats

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

A fiberglass port-a-potty at Oshkosh with the message “I could have been a Glassair!” written on it?

“I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers.”

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.

“Gravity always wins!”

You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!

747 on final approach at 1000? off the deck. First Officer asks Captain “Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?” Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.

Lost Cessna Pilot: “Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!”

A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

“I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep”

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Letter from a scout

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are fine. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is ok. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked ok when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges! When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison last year. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything.

Love, Jimmy

Reliving the past

A Grandpa and a Grandma always got very happy when they recalled the old days they were together.. They made a decision, one day, to make it "yesterday once more"..

They made a plan to date on the river bank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, grandpa got up at 6 a.m. In the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of lovely flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come.

But Grandpa ended up in disappointment as Grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing Grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:

"Why didn't you come to our date...?"

Grandma hide her head in the pillow and replied shyly....

"Mom didn't allow me to go..."

A man stumbles into a deep well and plummets a hundred feet before grasping a spindly root, stopping his fall.

His grip grows weaker and weaker, and in his desperation he cries out, "Is there anybody up there?"

He looks up, and all he can see is a circle of sky. Suddenly, the clouds part and a beam of bright light shines down on him. A deep voice thunders, "I, the Lord, am here. Let go of the root, and I will save you."

The man thinks for a moment and then yells, "Is there anybody else up there?"

Sardar jokes

Why did 19 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear

What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.

How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.

What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).

What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.

Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

A Scotsman is returning home one afternoon from a wedding. He is dressed in his finest kilt. As he stumbles along the dirt road, being a bit drunk, he decides to rest for a few minutes in the shade of a tree by the side of the road. Shortly after laying back against the tree he falls asleep.

A short time later two young women come down the road and spot the fellow asleep under the tree. Seeing that he is dressed in a kilt they discuss whether he is a “proper Scotsman”, that is, wearing no other clothing under his kilt. Giggling, they decide to take a look. Gently lifting his kilt they discover that, indeed, he is a proper Scotsman.

Their curiosity satisfied, they begin to walk away until one says to the other, “Wait, we need to leave some sort of sign that we were here.”. Looking around they decide to take the hair ribbon that matches the first woman’s blue dress and tie it around the Scotsman’s manhood. This task complete, they laugh as they head down the road to their home.

A short time later the Scotsman awakes. Sitting there under the tree he notices he’s feeling a bit strange under his kilt. Looking around and seeing no one nearby he lifts the kilt to discover the ribbon adorning his manhood.

Puzzled, he looks about again and then says (in a Scottish accent); “I don’t know where you’ve been, and I don’t know what you’ve been up to, but I’m glad to see you’ve won first prize.”.

Have you seen these people?

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask. "

Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #6 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name. Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Individual: How do you spell that?

Sighting #8: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side open."

My pet, centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. The pet shop owner told him about this talking centipede he'd just got in and, after some discussion, he decided to buy it (this 100-legged crawler). It came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about coming to the pub and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face right up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box...

"I heard you the first time... I'm putting my shoes on!"

Dreaming in French

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.

To encourage him, his teacher said, "You will know you are really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"

"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"

"I do not know," the boy replied; "I could not understand them."

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.

That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true."

She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true."

Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!"

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "Can you tell us your height, please?" She stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. Then she traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde, That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head.

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

The homeless woman

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?” “No,” I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked. “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate.”

A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.

The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."

The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"