When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Showing posts with label funny one-liners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny one-liners. Show all posts
- Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
- Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
- If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
- I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
- Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
- I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
- Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
- After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
- I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
- I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
- "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working properly, if you open windows.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
Oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
A fiberglass port-a-potty at Oshkosh with the message “I could have been a Glassair!” written on it?
“I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers.”
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.
“Gravity always wins!”
You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
747 on final approach at 1000? off the deck. First Officer asks Captain “Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?” Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.
Lost Cessna Pilot: “Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!”
A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
“I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep”
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
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