Be strong, honey. I love you!

 

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too

The friendly neighborhood

A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

"Hold it neighbor" says the man, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting... We'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Aw, it don't matter," replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be two of us."