The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "This time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States.” After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked," So how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed to go over there?"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper!"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, '2- 2, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
A young priest is walking along a pier. He strikes up a conversation with a local fisherman. "Have you ever been deep sea fishing, father?", asks the fisherman. "No, son. I am a fisher of men.", he replied. The fisherman invites him to tag along and the priest decides to do so. The priest is set up with a rod, reel and bait. He casts out and soon enough a huge fish is on the line. The young priest reels it in, and the fisherman exclaims, "That is one huge son of a bitch!" "My son! Please, watch your language!" Thinking fast the fisherman replied, "You misunderstand father. This fish is called a 'sunufapitch'. I wasn't being vulgar." The priest apologized for chastising the man, and when the boat returned to shore he brought his fish to the Cardinal. "Cardinal, look at this big sunufapitch!", the priest proudly displayed his catch. "Father! I'm suprised at you!" "No, Cardinal, that is what this fish is called. It's a sunufapitch." "I should have known better, father. I will clean your sunufapitch and prepare it for dinner with the Pope tonight." The Cardinal took the fish to the Mother Superior to be cooked. "Mother Superior, I have brought this big sunufapitch to be prepared for the Popes dinner.", he said. "Holy Mary, mother of god!", mother superior breathlessly whispered as she nearly fainted. "You misunderstand, sister, that is the name the lord has given this beast. It is a sunufapitch." The nun gathered herself together and apologized. She went about preparing the Popes dinner. That night at dinner, as the main course was brought out, the young priest looked at the Pope and said, "As the lord Jesus was a fisherman, I have caught you this huge sunufapitch." The Cardinal, not to be outdone stood up and said, "As the lord Jesus clenses us of our sins, I cleaned this sunufapitch for you." The Mother Superior, feeling she needed to be part of this said, "As the Holy Spirit burns away our worldly thoughts, I have cooked this sunufapitch for you." The pope paused for a moment. He flipped the huge hat off his head and threw his feet up on the table. "I knew you mother fuckers were cool."
A law student who failed exams asked his professor: Sir, do you know everything about law? Professor: Yes. Student: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you can't, you have to give me 'A". Professor agreed. The student asked: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical? The professor thought about it for hours, pondered and finally gave up as he really did not know. He gave the boy his 'A'. The following day, professor asked same Question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands. He asked one student the same question. He answered: Sir, you're 65, married to 28 year old; this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed his exam and yet you have given him an 'A'. It's neither logical nor legal! The professor collapsed!
Young lady walks into a record shop (during the70's) and asks the guy behind the counter; "Have you got 'Hot Lips' on 12-inch Decca?" Guy says "No, but I've got hot nuts on a 9-inch pecker" Girl says "Err, I don't think that's a record." Guy says "Probably not, but it's definitely above average"
Four former presidents of the US were walking along the Yellow Brick Road, when suddenly they came in front of the Wizard. The Wizard said, "each of you, come before me and ask what your heart desires. I will grant you each one wish." So up steps Jimmy Carter: "Uh, people say I need some courage, Mr Wizard..." and so the Wizard claps his hands and replies, "It is done!" Next up is Ronald Reagan. "Mr Wizard, I really need a brain!" "I'm told it's true", says the Wizard, "consider it done!" George Bush Snr. presents himself before the Great Wizard; "My people say I need a heart, Wizard..." and quick as a flash, the Wizard snaps his fingers and proclaims the deed, "done!" The Wizard looks around, and Bill Clinton is just standing there, peering over the landscape, hands in pockets. The Wizard starts to become irritated, finally asking, "Yes Bill, what do you want for your wish?" "Is Dorothy around...?"