In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I
could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep." - Anonymous
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” - Agatha Christie
"Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep." - Albert Camus
“Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back” - Anonymous
“A rich man's joke is always funny” - Thomas Browne, Sr.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" Three dollars an ounce.
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?" Four dollars an ounce.
"How much for lawyer brain?" 'One thousand dollars an ounce"
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!
The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said "I'll increase your income five-fold, your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months vacation every year and will live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in Hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "Whats the catch?" he asked.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued..and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance co. that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance co. accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the loss of his cigars.
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance co. had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine!
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Labels: women jokes
Three monks are meditating far from the madding crowd, in the Himalayas.
One year passed in silence, and one of them says to the others,
“Pretty cold here.”
Another year passes and the second monk says,
“You know, you’re quite right.”
Another year passes and the third monk says,
“Hey, I’m going to leave unless you two stop jabbering.”
Labels: religious jokes
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately she began flirting at him and and flattering him outrageously. He liked the young lady, but she was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent pitch. Hhe was really amazed when after 30 minutes she seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," he said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young lady declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the back office at the bank where you have your account. I know all I ned to know about you."
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
A Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scottish man shouts "Awa ye eijit, can yeh no tell that's foo o coos keich"
(Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s **t. )
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you"
The Scottish man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
Labels: ethnic jokes
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
“Sure, it’s fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”
The daughter explained, “Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!”
Labels: kids jokes
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here onSaturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented."But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
- I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
- Today is our what?
- Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
- I thought we only celebrated important events?
- You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
- You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
- I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
- If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
- You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
- I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Labels: husband jokes
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them. Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied,
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
An old man was driving on the highway when his mobile phone rang.
It was his wife.
“Peter,” she cried, “I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the Highway 55. Do be careful!”
“Hell!” Peter exclaimed. “It’s not just one car but hundreds of them.”
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.She said, "Let's start with the boys first".
The boys start giving their introductionFirst boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please" .
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes" .
Teacher "Now thats like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...".
The most beautiful girl in the class: "M' am, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day".
Paddy and Murphy are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when paddy turns to murphy and says "Murph, where the feck are we goin?"
Murphy replied "Well paddy the man in charge said we on a mission to the sun"
"Ok" says Paddy, thinks for a second and then asks "Wont it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all"
"Don't be fecking stupid!" Says Murphy "We're going at night!"
Labels: hot jokes
A women gos into a police station with a neighbor to report her husband missing.
She tells a detective, "My husband is, 6'1", has an athletic build, silky brown hair, and is great with the children."
Her neighbor protests saying, "Your husband is 5'4", fat, bald, and hates your kids!"
"Yes" the women says, "but who wants him back?"
Labels: women jokes
A man walks into the dentist’s office and after the dentist examines him, he says, “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
The man grabs the doc’s arm, “No way. I hate needles I’m not having any shot!”
So the dentist says, “Okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.”
The man replies, “Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “here,” he says. “Take this pill.”
The man asks “What is it?”
The doc replies, “Viagra.”
The man looks surprised, “will that kill the pain?” he asks.
“No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.”
Labels: doctor jokes
Politician: “What did you think of my speech on the agricultural problem?”
Farmer: “Not bad, but a good day’s rain would probably have helped more …”
Labels: bad jokes
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.
The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”
Labels: animal jokes
When our forefathers wanted a name for our new country, it came down to a large congregation on Parliament Hill. The speaker for the house stood up on a stage with the letters of the alphabet strewn into a large black top-hat.
"Our new country will be named for whatever letters I bring out of this hat", he intoned.
He reached into the hat & called out, " C, eh?, N, eh?, D, eh?"
Labels: black jokes
Bloke was sitting on a barstool, drinking a pint, at Heathrow airport, when a really beautiful woman sat down next to him. Bloke thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous, she must be a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?"
Being a bit of a know-all and hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare, and bloke immediately thought to himself, "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan, "Smooth as silk".
This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*** do you want?"
Bloke smiled, and said, "Ah, Ryanair!"
Labels: professions jokes
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:”You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
An American, a Frenchman, and a Russian were trying to determine the nationality of Adam and Eve.
The American said, "Adam and Eve were clearly Americans. They had abundant material wealth all around them. For them, it was paradise."
The Frenchman said, "Adam and Eve were French. They were beautiful and had a passionate, loving relationship."
The Russian said, "Adam and Eve were clearly Russians. They were naked, cold, and had only an apple between them to eat. Only a true Soviet would call this paradise!"
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do, I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However , as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
* Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
* What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - Henny Young
* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
* I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope
* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
* Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.
The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde thinks a bit and says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
Labels: blond jokes
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go."
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water, who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery.
That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "Once I was in the water, it was no big deal. But I sure am curious about who pushed me overboard."
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
It was my first time ever
And I’ll never forget
I’d do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow…
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God!
“You even sent me a Professional!”
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticked. I called him a "Nazi".
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "Doughnut-Eating Gestapo".
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "Hillary in '08".
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say “She’ll be right mate” and one to fetch the beers.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”
Q: How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.