20 funniest one liners

  1. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
  2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  3. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
  4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  5. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
  6. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
  7. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
  8. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
  9. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
  10. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
  11. I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
  12. Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
  13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
  14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
  15. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
  16. "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
  17. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
  18. "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
  19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
  20. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.