"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"
"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in."
"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."
"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan
"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."
"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"
"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush
On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."
"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"
"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians