“There’s a reason they call it space. If there was something there, they’d call it stuff." - Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program
“My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese ... as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.” - Jimmy Carr
“I’m so paranoid about my kids being grabbed by someone that I only let my daughter hang out with better-looking kids.” - Kenny Robinson
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” - Zach Galifianakis
“This is the first year Canada Customs gets guns. Next year they get bullets.” - Jazz Mann
“I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote ‘Free Tibet’.” - Mike DiStefano
“Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?” - Jimmy Carr
“My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it’s creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before.” - Tom Papa
“There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you’re shooting at Jack Bauer or looking for White Castle.” - Mark Saldana
“What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No — that’s a lie promoted by the bears.” - Eugene Mirman
“Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love. That’s why I no longer eat raisins.” - Zach Galifianakis
“I’m living with a crazy midget. Crazy people talk to themselves, laugh at their own jokes and s--t themselves. That’s my son.” - Jo Koy
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