Funny quotes on steroid use in baseball

"President Bush said that even though Rafael Palmeiro apparently lied to Congress about taking steroids he's a friend and he is standing by him. After hearing this Karl Rove started wolfing down steroids." --Jay Leno

"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." —Jay Leno

"Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world so now were starting on this one." --Jay Leno

"Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons." --Craig Ferguson

"There's a congressional committee now investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball and so far they have subpoenaed a bunch of folks to testify about the use of steroids -- Jason Giambi, subpoenaed; Sammy Sosa, subpoenaed; Curt Schilling, subpoenaed; Janet Reno, subpoenaed." --David Letterman

"Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." --Jon Stewart

"Congress has asked several current and former baseball players to testify before them this week about the steroid scandal but only two players have said they'll show up. Apparently the others players don't have the balls." --Craig Ferguson

"How many folks saw the congressional hearings on steroids? I like this. One congressman said baseball can't be trusted. And I thought well, no, not like we trust Congress." --David Letterman

Senate Republicans are so committed to keeping this women alive that as a last ditch tactic today they subpoenaed her because it is a federal crime to harm someone who is called to testify before Congress. They said they didn't think she'd be a great witness but she had to be better then Mark McGwire." --Bill Maher

"McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids but I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit." --Bill Maher

"The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler

"Sammy Sosa was adamant, he said I have never used performance enhancing drugs. But then he said, I probably had to be on acid when I came up with that lip salute thing." --Bill Maher

"Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said 'I just use a little preparation H.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate -- superstar Mark McGwire -- with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it -- nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain thinks that Congress may have to step in to control the use of steroids in sports. The Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agrees. Is this congress’ number one priority now? Baseball players. Did we win the war? How about global warming. Have we fixed that already?" --Jay Leno