A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet", said the boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
He’s a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks.
"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. i saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk".
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You gonna tell him or should I".
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
Back before Bill Clinton was elected Governor of Arkansas, he and Hillary lived in a little trailer in suburban Hot Springs. Times were tough, so to make ends meet, Hillary took up shoplifting.
It wasn't too long until Hillary was caught looting the Piggly Wiggly and brought before an especially harsh judge, known for his creative brand of sentencing.
"What, Mrs. Clinton, did you steal from the Piggly Wiggly?" asked the judge.
"Just one jar of peaches" replied the future Senator from New York.
"And how many peaches were in this jar?" the judge probed further.
"Six" answered Hillary.
The judge studied the matter for what seemed like an eternity and raising his gavel, finally gave the sentence, "That will be six days in jail. One for each piece of fruit in that jar!"
But before he could bang the matter closed, Bill Clinton stood and asked, "May I say something of relevance to this case Your Honor?"
"I suppose it wouldn't hurt nothing." said the judge.
"She stole a jar of peas, too!"
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long- time resident who's very old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, " Look at me. I'm old and worn out. But I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the
best restaurants of France."
The new inmate asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
