A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter.
"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.
"My name is Steven Richards."
"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.
"I was unemployed."
"Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."
"That's highly commendable," said St. Peter flicking through the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"
"About five minutes ago."
Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
On a desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman;
2 German men and 1 German woman;
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;
2 American men and 1 American woman;
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman;
One month later on the same island...
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are depressed because the American woman complains about her body, the nature of feminism, that the water tastes bad, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least it isn't raining on the island.
The two Indian men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
------------------------
Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
------------------------
New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
------------------------
Why is sex like shaving ? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
------------------------
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
------------------------
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right? A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
------------------------
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN? A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!
Ruth took her boyfriend Bernie home to meet her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bloom.
"What do you do for a living?" asked Mr. Bloom.
"I own some property," replied Bernie.
"Some property!" exclaimed Ruth. "He owns a chain of fast-rising retail stores."
"And where do you live?" asked Mrs. Bloom.
"I've got an apartment in town."
"An apartment!" cried Ruth. "He has a luxury apartment in the most sought-after block in Manhattan."
"And what are your prospects?" inquired Mr. Bloom.
"I'm hoping to expand!" said Bernie.
"Expand!" interrupted Ruth. "He's planning to buy Bloomingdale's!"
Just then Bernie sneezed.
"Have you got a cold?" asked Mrs. Bloom.
"A cold?" shrieked Ruth. "Bernie's got pneumonia!"
